Prince Fielder Becomes a Vegetarian – Meat Industry Files for Bankruptcy
April 25, 2008
Last month, Fielder announced that he had gone vegetarian. The corpulent first baseman would no longer be eating meat. That’s when meat-based businesses across the country started scrambling to try and figure out how to save their jobs. “It’s been a tough year already, what with the dramatic increase in grain prices,” Iowa farmer Hal Wright explained. “And we knew that when we lost our biggest customer, hell, a full two thirds of our market, it was the beginning of the end. Something had to be done.”
As PETA descending upon a fur warehouse, representatives from meat fields came to Milwaukee this year to tell Prince what his decision had done to them. They are left with no choice, but to seek bankruptcy protection.
“We want him to know this is real, and this is happening,” Wright said. “Even if he started inhaling prime rib today like he used to, it might be too late to save us.”
So why aren’t the businesses making the Chapter 11 decision individually? “Why wait?” Beef industry spokesman Tom Popple said late last week. “We all know what’s coming down the pipeline, and it affects [all of the meat industry] collectively, so we’re showing solidarity. You know, we all flourished together when Prince was growing up and eating more meat per pound than a Tyrannosourus. A really, really, really fat Tyrannosaurus. And now, we’re all going to fold together.”
In the end, it is unclear if Fielder will relent and resume his beefy proclivities. Two things, however, are clear:
1.) Fielder is unlikely to scale back his pie-eating habit any time soon,
and 2.) His CWPPA is going to take a serious hit.
In related news, members of the fast food industry are reportedly considering a move to Boca Burgers.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Fielder’s vegetarianism will *probably* not put all meat businesses under. And, let’s be real – does anyone actually think he’ll last? No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)