Rafael Furcal: “I was drunk when I crashed into Derrek Lee last year”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – As the Cubs prepare to open a critical four-game tilt against the Los Angeles Dodgers later today, the Dodgers’ starting shortstop was preparing to open something of his own: his heart.
Rafael Furcal, 30, signed a lucrative three-year contract with the Dodgers before the 2006 season after a string alcohol-related problems, including two DUI arrests. Some teams feared the shortstop might be a distraction, and shied away from the talented but troubled Furcal. The Dodgers believed in Furcal, believed he could clean up his life, and took a chance on him. They have been rewarded by his play on the field, and his responsibility with alcohol off the field.
Or so they thought.
At a press conference late Sunday night, Rafael Furcal admitted something that, according to him, has been eating away at his insides for a year and a half, and that he had to get off his chest before his team played the Cubs again this year: he was intoxicated when he crashed into Chicago Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee in April of 2006.
“It was a horrible mistake,” Furcal said of the incident which resulted in a broken wrist for Lee, and his missing 59 games and never fully recovering that year. “I didn’t realize how drunk I was when I picked up that bat, and I thought I could maintain, you know? But by the time I got to first base, I was all over the baseline, swerving back and forth. I’m sorry for what I did, and I’m just glad that nobody was killed.” Furcal ended his press conference by offering to “buy a few rounds” for the Cubs.
The Dodgers are considering the full panoply of remedies to ensure Furcal stays on the straight and narrow through the remainder of his contract, including installing an alcohol-breath analyzer on Furcal’s bats which would prevent him from batting if he could not blow into the bat sober. The team is also allowing M.O.D.A.B. (Mothers Opposed to Drunk-Ass Baseball) to give a presentation to the players on the dangers of mixing alcohol and 100 mph fastballs.
A Dodger spokesman denied that the team has ever considered releasing Furcal, however, because “he’s good and makes us money. Duh.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Rafael Furcal did not say or do these things, and has probably cleaned up his life by now, even if he is still a pud. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)