Roethlisberger Takes Blame for Playoff Loss, Fart
April 25, 2008
(Pittsburgh, PA) – Fresh off a first-round playoff defeat at the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars – the second home loss to the Jaguars in four weeks – the Pittsburgh Steelers were down in the dumps Sunday. And no Steeler was dumping harder than quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.
“I have no excuses for my play out there. I stunk,” Roethlisberger said at a Sunday morning press conference. “We tried to come back after I had crapped things up, but by the end of the fourth, I was gassed.”
But the stinking didn’t end for Roethlisberger – who threw three interceptions in the first half – on the football field. As he readied himself to answer a question about the team’s two two-point conversion failures, it happened: he nearly cleared the press conference with powerfully reverberating flatulence.
“When you’re going for two… (grimaces)… going for two… (lifts leg)… I’m sorry folks. Speaking of two, I think I’ve got some more apologizing to do.”
Reporters immediately took Roethlisberger to task for his airy bowel-gift.
“Look, I could sit up here and say ‘he who smelt it, dealt it.’ But I’m not gonna do that,” the quarterback said. “I am a man, and I am responsible. And frankly, if I denied it, you would all know full well that I had supplied it.”
Roethlisberger refused to take full credit for the pungence of the fart, however. “Yeah, ok, I had some help. When you mix the hot salsa with the medium corn salsa at Chipotle, you’re liable to blow a hole in your shorts. Or poop yourself. I’d like to think I accomplished both here today.”
Roethlisberger then cut his portion of the press conference short to steal away to the restroom stating that he had to “drop a couple footballs in the endzone.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Big Ben did not fart in a press conference, and I’m sure if he did, it would smell like roses. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)