Roger Clemens distracted by “that Flitwick-lookin’ dude” during Congressional Hearing

April 25, 2008

(Washington, D.C.) — The Roger Clemens performance-enhancing drug scandal finally came to a head today, when Clemens faced a stinging round of questions from members of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform — including a series of probing inquiries posed by “that weird lookin’ dude — you know — the one who looks like that little elf from Harry Potter?”

Henry Waxman looks like Flitwick
Mr. Clemens? Will you please point out to the committee which of these men is human with a dash of goblin ancestry?

When informed that the man in question is actually Henry Waxman, chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, and not Filius Flitwick, Charms Master at Hogwarts and the head of Ravenclaw, Clemens responded, “Oh yeah? Then how did he trick me into touching my face, throat and mouth as I was talking? How did he get me to keep touching and scratching my nose and behind my ear? That was purely involuntary — that elfin mother[sic] had me hypnotized!”

Clemens quickly added, “And how else would he have made that one guy [Rep. Davis] ask me if I recalled bleeding through my pants in 2001? That’s wizardry shit!”

After Mr. Clemens attorney told his client that excessive and involuntary touching of one’s face is often an indication that the person is not telling the truth, Roger gave pause.

“OK. Fine. But how do you explain me not being able to make eye contact with anyone?” asked Clemens. “Ummm-uh. Yep. Wizard shit.”

Filius Flitwick — I mean, Henry Waxman — was not available for comment.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Henry Waxman doesn’t resemble Filius Flitwick, or anyone else from Harry Potter (am I scratching my nose too much right now?). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone – visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)

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