Ryan Theriot Defends Britney Spears’ VMA Flop

April 25, 2008

Britney Spears bikini

(Pittsburgh, PA) – After the Cubs lost the rubber game of their series with the Pirates, most of the team was down in the dumps in the clubhouse. Shortstop Ryan Theriot said he was knee-deep in another kind of dumps: dumps like a truck.

Theriot was awe-struck by the Sunday evening opening performance, and supposed comeback, of pop tart (we’re thinking S’mores flavor) Britney Spears at the MTV Video Music Awards. Shortly after the performance aired, when critics were panning it as laughably bad, Theriot was telling teamates this performance was much better than in 2003 when Britney and Madonna kissed. That year, he said, you had to use your imagination to see the flabutastic ass-rolls. This year, they were everywhere.

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“When she said, ‘It’s Britney, bitch,’ he was shaking, and he shouted, ‘I know, bitch!,” at the TV,” teammate Mark DeRosa said. “It was a little sad.”

Theriot defended the performance as “divinely-inspired” throughout the night. “I thought it was amazing how she could throw her voice. You’d see her mouth moving one second, but you wouldn’t hear the words for like, five or six seconds later. That must be the magic trick she was working on with Criss Angel.”

Britney Spears video music awards comeback flop
Theriot said this fall was brilliantly choreographed, but several media reports speculate Britney simply collapsed under her own weight.

“I don’t understand the reports I’m reading,” Theriot said while perusing his homepage, TMZ.com. “Look. She sounded great, her dance moves were the shitzle (note: we can only assume he meant to say, “shizzle,” but in case not, we leave his attempt being cool unchanged). And I tell you what, that body was bangin’.”

“I like ‘em after they’ve had two kids. Oh, and after they’ve smoked a hundred cartons, eaten a few herds of cattle, and drank a few Great Lakes-sized mugs of beer. They look more natural that way,” Theriot continued after a brief shift of his cup. “And those deep blue eyes, and beautiful blond locks? Natural chicks just do it for me.”

Britney Spears naked

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Ryan did not say these things, because no one with a penis a brain could have thought that was a good performance. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


8 Responses to “Ryan Theriot Defends Britney Spears’ VMA Flop”

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  5. avinash kumar from india on March 12th, 2009 2:27 pm

    Hi Britney , How r u ?hav e u ever visited India the spiritual land.when u will visit India.Have u faith in religious thooughts .please come to India and get spiriual satisfaction. Thanks lot

  6. Anonymous on March 15th, 2009 11:22 am

    People say that celebrities are becoming to thin and on the verge of anorexia and are always saying they need to put on weight….well britney has put on weight but, on one side of a magazine they’re saying she’s too fat and must lose weight to look good, but then on the other side of the page theyre saying someone needs to put on weight to be curvy and look good…contradicting themselves a bit i think…

  7. ruk on March 29th, 2009 4:23 pm

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  8. cassandra on April 28th, 2009 11:28 pm

    hi im ur million fans u know i love u so much i got all ur album copy hopefully someday great me when youre performing live coz im always watching u where ever u perform im pilipino citizen presently working here in saudi arabia

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