Sammy Sosa Calls Mitchell Report “A Farce”; “I’m not even in there!”
April 25, 2008
(La Hopa Hapa Rosa, D.R.) – Last month, Major League Baseball fans finally learned the definitive truth about the game they had loved for so many years with the release of Senator George Mitchell’s Report: the game has been tainted by steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs for many of those years.
The Mitchell Report detailed the extensive use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone by a number of stars, including former Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens, and former MVP Barry Bonds.
But one man thinks the Report got it all wrong: former Chicago Cub superstar Sammy Sosa.
“That Report. That thing. It is.. uh… bad. It not correct. It is… what is the word? A fart?” Sosa incoherently rambled to reports when asked about the Report. “Oh, oh. Not fart. Farts. That thing was a total farts.”
Sosa presumably meant “farce,” implying he doubted the validity of Senator Mitchell’s findings. Unprompted, Sosa continued.
“I mean seriously. That thing was so un-accurate. Me best friend, Big Mark McGwire was not in there. Alex Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Luis Gonzalez. I could go on. Ever-body knows these guys were on drugs. But we not in there. What a joke.”
But perhaps the worst part, Sosa said, were some of the included players. “Jerry Hairston? Are you kidding me? The only juice he was ever use was Sunny D.”
Sosa finally lamented that pitcher Kris Benson’s wife, Anna Benson was not in the report, refering to her as “the juiciest juiced-up” he’s ever seen. Sosa was leaving the Orioles at the end of 2005 as Benson was joining the team in 2006. “I seen her many times,” Sosa stammered, “and them things, is not natural. They enhanced like with human growth hor-mones.” At that point Sosa regressed into an incomprehensible dialect and said he had to “get to clubhouse to cork [his] bat.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Sammy did not really say these things, and I’m sure there’s a good reason he was not in the Report. You know, mostly because the two witnesses were from the Yankees and Mets. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)