Sean Gallagher Patiently Explains that ‘Hannah Montana’ is the Superstar Performer, Miley Cyrus is “Just the regular girl”

April 25, 2008

(Mesa, AZ) - The chatter in the Cubs Spring Training bullpen this time of year usually focuses on questions of who will make the team, what the pitchers’ previous experiences were with a particular hitter, or how to throw a circle change. But the discussion took an interesting turn Tuesday afternoon when reliever Scott Eyre remarked that he was getting pretty sick of that “Hannah Labama, or whatever” that his kids are so into these days.

“You mean Hannah Montana, dude,” youngster Sean Gallagher reportedly interjected at Eyre’s gaffe. It only took a “who cares” from Eyre and a raised eyebrow or two from the other pitchers to launch Gallagher into a tirade into the relative virtues of Disney television show, “Hannah Montana,” and its teenage star, Miley Cyrus.

His teammates feigned interest as Gallagher explained that Miley Stewart, the character portrayed by Miley Cyrus on the show, is “an average teenager living a secret nightlife as superstar performer, Hannah Montana.”

Sensing a lack of interest, Gallagher stepped up his pro-Hannah rant. “Do you guys seriously not watch this show? Are you kidding me? It is, like, the best show on TV right now. Right up there with ‘That’s so Raven’ and ‘Kim Possible,’” Gallagher squealed with excitement. “Oh, and ‘The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.’ That show is totally (pause) SWEET!”

“After I saw her in concert in October,” Gallagher recalled for teammates, “she came out with that ‘I Can’t Wait to See You Again’ song. Coincidence? I think not.”

Gallagher wasn’t all smiles and sunshine, though. After repeatedly warning Cubs Reliever Kerry Wood to stop singing the Billy Ray Cyrus anthem “Achey Breaky Heart” because Miley is “nothing like her hick hack father,” Gallagher unleashed a furious stream of expletives and she-slaps not seen since Chris Crocker.

Gallagher concluded his bullpen session by inviting his teammates over to his condo to watch DVR’d episodes of “Hannah Montana.” Most declined immediately, and after asking whether any of the episodes take place at the beach, reliever Ryan Dempster also declined.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Sean probably doesn’t have a huge thing for Hannah Montana. You do, though, you sick Google stalker! No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

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