Soriano-less Cubs Beat up on Reds; Or – How Alfonso Soriano’s Leg Exploded Playing Hopscotch

April 25, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – Last night, the Chicago Cubs’ bats were on display as they knocked around Reds pitching to the tune of a 9-5 victory at a windy Wrigley.


But that wasn’t the story this morning. It never is with the Cubs.

The story centers around left fielder Alfonso Soriano, who left the game after the top half of the first inning with an apparent leg injury. Fans and teammates wondered loudly how he could possibly hurt himself making a routine catch on a Ken Griffey Junior pop up – after all, isn’t getting injured on a totally routine play Griffey’s job?

But it turns out it was not the routine play that injured Soriano. It’s that stupid-ass game of hopscotch he plays every damn inning.

Hop. Catch. Hop. Catch. Double Dutch. Catch. Hop. Leg explosion.

Cubs Alfonso Soriano injury

For over a year now, it has seemed that Soriano is incapable of catching a fly ball without hopping first – a very dainty hop, we might add. Fans immediately voiced trepidation at the sight of it, but that was out of fear that he might misplay a ball. No one expected his dainty, dainty game of hopscotch to result in severe leg injury that, it was recently announced, will require an MRI. Manager Lou Piniella says Soriano will be out “a while.”

So teammates and fans have a suggestion for Soriano when he returns from his inevitable four-month stay on the disabled list: Cut out the hopscotch, and just catch the damn ball.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Although, this is about as un-parody-y as a parody piece gets. No one should construe this fake article as being fact (except that it kinda is). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

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