The Nation Mourns its Fallen Hero
April 25, 2008
(Washington, D.C.) – Heroes are hard to come by. They don’t come around every day. They aren’t just around the corner, and they aren’t available with a flick of the remote – despite what the popular NBC program might have you believe. Indeed, our heroes are few.
And we have lost a hero.
The American people have suffered a tremendous loss. Barry Bonds, the greatest baseball player – nay, athlete… nay, HUMAN – of all time has been indicted on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.
“It’s just not right. It’s not fair,” cried Taloola, Iowa resident Stanley Hargrove. “That man deserves a parade, not an indictment. The way he brought us all together with his pursuit of the home run record really took the focus off of the nasty steroid issue.”
“What am I gonna do?” Bonds said Friday. “All I can do is fight a corrupt system, hell-bent on destroying something we all need, and all believe in: me. Now, has anyone seen the black bathtub I use as a hat?”
In cities throughout the country, flags fly at half mast in tribute to the fallen hero. Whether it was his victory at Augusta in the 2001 Masters, the impassioned speech he gave as he succumbed to Lou Gehrig’s disease, or his international manhunt for Osama bin Laden, the nation has always loved and supported Barry Bonds – and he has loved us back. And now the only love he will give or receive will come from a surly cellmate named “Chubbs.”
What do we do now? Where do we go? How do we live in a world without Barry Bonds?
Do you know how?
Frankly, I’m not sure that I want to.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Barry is neither a hero, nor is he a human. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)