Unable to Drop “Losers” Tag, Cubs Work to Shed “Lovable” Tag by Beating Up Handicapped Children
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Fresh off a three-game sweep at the hands of the arguably inferior Arizona Diamondbacks in the Divisional Playoffs, the Chicago Cubs return to their homes this week and must suffer through a long offseason before a chance at redemption. Long known as the “Lovable Losers” of Chicago, many Cubs were saddened that they missed the opportunity to change that public perception.
“If we had just won, you know? Then we’d be winners,” Cubs pitcher Ted Lilly astutely observed. “I know I’ve only been here a year, but I wanted to be a part of the first group of ‘winners’ here in a hundred years.”
But not all of the Cubs shared Lilly’s sentiment. Although they, too, are eager to shed the “Lovable Loser” tag, teamates Scott Eyre and Ryan Dempster are trying a different tack: they’re beating the crap out of local handicapped children.
The idea, which began as a midseason joke, was purportedly Dempster’s. After blowing his fifth and sixth saves on the season, according to teamates, Dempster quipped that if the Cubs can’t stop being losers, they would be wise to stop being lovable. But when an errant beer can struck Ronnie “Woo Woo” Wickers in the head, Dempster knew he was onto something.
“Yeah, we were all so sick of that nickname, so we did something about it,” Dempster said. “Any team can go out and win. That doesn’t take skill. But real champions know how to go out, buy a couple tire irons, Mapquest a local special ed center, and do what it takes to be hated.”
Scott Eyre, a perfect henchman, joined in shortly after Dempster crafted the idea. “Say what you will, but we’re sure as heck not ‘lovable losers’ anymore. Losers, maybe. But my own children hate me now. As well they should. I recently beat the shit out of my paraplegic son. One for the cause, you know?”
Not only have Dempster and Eyre been able to bring several teamates on board, but they have also organized a fun run to continue their cause. They call it “Race for the Jerk,” and participants will traverse Chicago kicking out braces and crutches as they go.
The Cubs also have plans to expand their brutish hostility to include women, the elderly, the Irish, and victims of hurricane Katrina.
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