Without Anything of Hank Aaron’s to Break This Week, Despondent Bonds Breaks Hank Goldberg’s Hover-Round
April 25, 2008
(Miami, FL) – Last week, San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s four-decade old record for career home runs in Major League Baseball. That was then. The question of what he could break this week was what was now for Bonds.
Portly ESPN contributor and radio host Hank Goldberg’s Hover-Round mobility aid.
The incident occurred at the Miami radio facility where Goldberg airs his sports talk show for 560 WQAM. Bonds, at the facility on an unrelated matter, was passing Goldberg in the hallway. As Goldberg attempted to putter by, Bonds recognized Goldberg and unleashed a ferocious attack on his scooter with a pocket bat. The attack was witnessed by station personnel who claimed Bonds rained blows with such vigor that his power could not have been supplied only by hard work and flaxseed oil.
Goldberg discribed the ugly incident to his loyal listeners Thursday morning, and assured them of his health from the comfort of his new McGuyver-esque chair which he fashioned out of bamboo, electrical tape, and gummi bears. The chair, he says, functions and tastes “almost as good” as the original.
“Last week I broke Hank [Aaron]‘s record, and it felt good,” Bonds said Thursday in an attempt to explain the bizarre attack. “It tasted like chocolate-covered happiness. And I needed to feel it again. I needed to break something else of Hank’s. Anything else. And when neither of Hank [Aaron]‘s hips would break, I knew I had to try something else.”
Reporters from across the country – with the exception of Witchita-Burbury Gazette beat writer Hank Munkle – have flocked to Bonds to ask him about breaking the scooter.
Bonds feels the media attention stemming from the incident is unwarranted, and is driven by an ulterior motive. “It is absolutely a racial thing. It doesn’t matter that we’re both black,” Bonds said. When informed that Hank Goldberg is not black, Bonds was un-phased, indignant, and increasinly ignorant. “Yeah, well, whatever. People like [Goldberg] persecutioned [sic] Jesus back a hundred years ago because he was black. And now it’s the exact same thing with me.”
Bonds will be allowed to continue playing for the Giants while Major League Baseball investigates the incident, but a voice appearance on “The Simpsons,” scheduled to record next week, has been cancelled at the request of voice actor Hank Azaria.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Bonds did not break anything of Hank Goldberg’s, and is generally not worth talking about at all. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)