Cubs Discover Washington Nationals Are Secretly a Real Life MLB Team
April 27, 2008
(Washington, D.C.) – After starting the season on a blistering tear, winning 15 of their first 22 games, the Chicago Cubs ran into a buzzsaw in the form of the Washington Nationals. The Nationals, losers of 16 of their first 23 games entering the weekend tilt with the Cubs, have been hiding a secret all season, it seems: They’re a major league team.“We had no idea they were an actual, real live Major League Baseball team,” Sunday loser Ted Lilly said shortly after the Nationals wrapped up the series win. “I mean, coming into this series, how could we?”
“It’s been one of the best-kept secrets in the game this year,” Nationals manager Manny Acta said with a gleeful smile. “Everyone thought we were just a bunch of guys having fun, or at best, an unaffiliated Mexican Winter League team. But we’re a Major League team. This [series] was our unveiling.”
Reactions around baseball to the news that there are in fact 30 Major League teams – instead of the previous estimate of 28 or 29, depending on how Tampa Bay is classified – were mixed.
“I don’t like it,” Atlanta Braves Third Baseman Larry “Chipper” Jones said. “We thought we were competing against three other teams [in the NL East], three and a half tops. But now all of a sudden there’s a true fourth team? What’s next, Julio Franco reveals that he’s secretly 80?”
“I think it’s great, and I’m glad they finally let the cat out of the bag,” Baltimore Orioles owner/crazy person Peter Angelos said. “For a long time, I was against having a team in the Washinton area because I thought it would take attention and attendance away from my Orioles. But ultimately, having a team in a Washington that just now revealed they have secretly been a Major League team all along is really going to take attention away from the fact that the Orioles secretly haven’t been a Major League team for nearly a decade.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Everyone knows the Nationals are, and always have been a real life MLB team. It’s just that nobody cares. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)