Uncomfortable Silence Follows Kobe Bryant Comment that “We Just Raped in Colorado”

April 30, 2008

Kobe Bryant Press Conference
(Denver, CO) – The NBA Playoffs are in full swing, and it didn’t take long for Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers to dispatch the Denver Nuggets in the first round, sweeping them 4-0. But it wasn’t the Lakers’ dominance that was the hot topic of conversation following their win, it was star Bryant’s characterization of the series.“Yeah, we really took it to [the Nuggets] in this series,” Bryant said to reporters in Denver following the Lakers’ series clinching win Tuesday night. “If you want a headline out of it, I would say that we just raped in Colorado. I mean, we really bent them over and got out of here unscathed.”

An uncomfortable pallor flooded over reporters as they struggled to come up with an appropriate follow-up question. The source of discomfort was likely a 2003 accusation by a young woman in Colorado that Bryant had sexually assaulted her. As if unaware of the possible dual nature of his comments, Bryant continued unfettered.

“The whole series was a brief, but exciting affair. I don’t know that I feel good about how we probably made them feel, but it sure felt good to us. To go to Colorado, get in and get out unmolested, left me feeling pretty satisfied about the whole thing.”

The uncomfortable scene was reminiscent of several that had preceded it where the sports world and the legal world meet. Shortly before Super Bowl XXXV, a game in which he was named the MVP, Baltimore Raven linebacker Ray Lewis called a press conference to discuss his excitement and intentions for the big game. In an unfortunately worded opening statement, Lewis excitedly stated that he was “going to get the New York Giants this weekend,” and needless elaborated that “no seriously, I am going to get you. Probably with a knife. I am going to tackle you, and then stab you.”

Last year while his dog fighting ring trial was ongoing, Michael Vick was seen eating several hot dogs at an Atlanta Braves game, and noting “these are the best dogs I’ve eaten in at least a year or two.”

And at a charity golf outing in 2006, former New York Knicks announcer Marv Albert remarked that a particularly difficult hole “really jumped up and bit [him] in the ass.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Kobe said no such thing, and neither did the other guys (though the Lakers really did put it to the Nuggets… don’t they have Carmelo Anthony AND Allen Iverson?). No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Comments

3 Responses to “Uncomfortable Silence Follows Kobe Bryant Comment that “We Just Raped in Colorado””

  1. Clapp on April 30th, 2008 7:03 pm

    Last year while his dog fighting ring trial was ongoing, Michael Vick was seen eating several hot dogs at an Atlanta Braves game, and noting “these are the best dogs I’ve eaten in at least a year or two.”

    Hahahahaha, oh man…

    Another brilliant article. I’m laughing my ass off. Well done as always Ace.

  2. Ace on April 30th, 2008 7:20 pm

    Thanks Clapp. I do what I can – which is write really offensive articles, apparently.

  3. ThetEstualtLeLoperve on December 29th, 2008 12:29 pm

    zazfodpjcuoajndowell, hi admin adn people nice forum indeed. how’s life? hope it’s introduce branch ;)

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