Sammy Sosa Calls Mitchell Report “A Farce”; “I’m not even in there!”
April 25, 2008
(La Hopa Hapa Rosa, D.R.) - Last month, Major League Baseball fans finally learned the definitive truth about the game they had loved for so many years with the release of Senator George Mitchell’s Report: the game has been tainted by steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs for many of those years.
The Mitchell Report detailed the extensive use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone by a number of stars, including former Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens, and former MVP Barry Bonds.
But one man thinks the Report got it all wrong: former Chicago Cub superstar Sammy Sosa.
“That Report. That thing. It is.. uh… bad. It not correct. It is… what is the word? A fart?” Sosa incoherently rambled to reports when asked about the Report. “Oh, oh. Not fart. Farts. That thing was a total farts.”
Sosa presumably meant “farce,” implying he doubted the validity of Senator Mitchell’s findings. Unprompted, Sosa continued.
“I mean seriously. That thing was so un-accurate. Me best friend, Big Mark McGwire was not in there. Alex Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Luis Gonzalez. I could go on. Ever-body knows these guys were on drugs. But we not in there. What a joke.”
But perhaps the worst part, Sosa said, were some of the included players. “Jerry Hairston? Are you kidding me? The only juice he was ever use was Sunny D.”
Sosa finally lamented that pitcher Kris Benson’s wife, Anna Benson was not in the report, refering to her as “the juiciest juiced-up” he’s ever seen. Sosa was leaving the Orioles at the end of 2005 as Benson was joining the team in 2006. “I seen her many times,” Sosa stammered, “and them things, is not natural. They enhanced like with human growth hor-mones.” At that point Sosa regressed into an incomprehensible dialect and said he had to “get to clubhouse to cork [his] bat.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Sammy did not really say these things, and I’m sure there’s a good reason he was not in the Report. You know, mostly because the two witnesses were from the Yankees and Mets. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Eli Manning Seeks Approval from His Big Brother on Playoff Win, Peyton Gives Eli Super Bowl Ring Noogie
April 25, 2008
;)
I Could Benchpress You
April 25, 2008
by Philip Rivers
Look, buddy. I need to fill you in on something before you keep on flapping your gums.
I could benchpress you.
I’m huge, ok? I could benchpress the f*ck out of you. Because I’m a man, and you’re just a little b*tch. Like Jay Cutler or an Indianapolis Colt fan. I’m a tough guy, and you’re a wimp. Look at my guns. I’m getting a boner just looking at them. And my boner is bigger than yours, too.
I hear you jawin’. But you ain’t got nothing on me. I’m an NFL quarterback, loser. I get so many chicks it’s crazy. And they all have breasts. Two of them. And I sure like those. Because I’m a man!
I know you want to criticize me. You might say I’ve been terribly inconsistent this year, and we’re better off with Billy Volek starting against the Patriots. But you know what I say?
If you were a man, you’d arm wrestle me.
You know who else is a b*tch? Tom Brady. I call him Tom Lady. I could kick his ass any day of the week. I could totally bang his girlfriend, Gisele, if I wanted. I could impregnate her way better, too. I probably won’t beat up Tom Lady this weekend, though, because my knee is a little banged up. I can still squat like 700 pounds, though. How much can you do, sissy?
So just shut your stupid mouth before I shut it for you. I’m Philip f*cking Rivers. The Chargers never really wanted Eli Manning. They knew what would happen all along. They wanted this fine piece of meat. I’m the man. You’re not. Deal with it.
;)
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Hansbrough Fouled by Opposing Team, Devours Flesh as Revenge
April 25, 2008
;)
One hard foul deserves another in Psycho T’s world.
Tyler “Psycho T” Hansbrough was the recent recipient of a hard foul in a game against the mighty UNC Asheville team last week. Desiring payback, Psycho T ate 5′10″ Asheville PG Marty Sanderson, simply saying “When it’s game time, it’s pain time.” Read more
Cub Republican Caucus Disappointed Fred Thompson Dropped Out of Race; Wonder Now Who Will Stop All the Gay Terrorist Immigrants from Aborting Christian Babies
April 25, 2008
(Columbia, S.C.) - In the heart of South Carolina, site of the most recent Republican primary, several Cubs have been stumping for weeks for their candidate of choice: Former Actor/Model/Senator, Fred Thompson. The group of Cubs - which includes relievers Scott Eyre and Ryan Dempster, and infielders Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, and who call themselves the “Cub Republican Caucus” - were crushed to learn Tuesday, however, that Thompson had dropped out of the race.
“We are deeply saddened by Senator Thompson’s decision,” Theriot said. “He stands for the values we hold dear - guns, using guns against terrorists, using guns against immigrants, using guns against gay marriage. And he doesn’t make me feel self-conscious about being the same size as his absurdly young trophy wife.”
;)
Thompson, long tired of insults hurled about “getting his old hands off his grand daughter,” decided to marry her.
Dempster, suspected by his teamates to be a member only because of the word “Caucus,” seemed to take the news the hardest. “I don’t know what to believe in now. If I can’t follow a guy who played a tough -nosed district attorney on Law and Order, and a misogynist factory boss on Roseanne, I probably won’t follow anyone.”
Scott Eyre’s greatest concern was who now to support. “Who can provide us with the striking combination of leadership, wit, Southern charm, hardcore conservative values, and bags under his eyes that look like extra large pillow cases?”
“I’d support Huckabee, but I’m not a huge fan of his ‘I’m-a-crazy-person’ platform,” Eyre continued. “I dig that McCain was a war hero, but his face looks like a man sack that’s been soaking with the dishes for about an hour. So I guess we’ll be throwing our support to [former New York City mayor Rudy] Giuliani. I’m pretty sure we have to or he’ll have us killed.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Hopefully no Cubs actually supported Thompson, and that chick is not actually Thompson’s grand daughter. It’s his grand daughter’s daughter. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Patriots List Brady as Questionable for Super Bowl with Severely Cracked Chin
April 25, 2008
;)
NEWSBRIEF: ESPN Launches New Channel - ESPNSantana
April 25, 2008
;)
“That’s right, folks. It’s exactly what you have all been asking for,” ESPN director of promotions Larry Swift said Wednesday. “All Johan, all the time. Did you know he used the bathroom today? Ah, but did he go number 1 or number 2? Find out, tonight at 8 on ‘Shitting with Santana,’ only on ESPNSantana.”
NEWSBRIEF: Some Kind of Football Contest to be Played on Sunday
April 25, 2008
“Yes, it should be a pretty exciting game,” football thrower Eli Manning said Friday. He and his fellow New York City Gigantics will match against the Boston Patriots in this year’s Super Game, and try to stop the Patriots from being completely victoried in the season.
American football! Catch the fever!
;)
NEWSBRIEF: Plaxico Burress on Stunning Giant Super Bowl Win and Catching the Game-Winning Touchdown: “Grbll mewwa God bugga gumme strunbalalggughaowefrbnewnlskadf!”
April 25, 2008
;)
Giants Bring Home Elusive Championship to the Long-Suffering Fans of New York
April 25, 2008
;)
(New York, NY) - One week after the New York Giants defeated the previously undefeated New England Patriots in one of the most exciting Super Bowl’s in recent memory, the people of New York City are still buzzing about their first championship in literally years.
“We were just happy to do this for our fans, the fans of New York,” Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning said. “It’s a city of loss and heartbreak, so for us to finally bring a championship after all those long years is really special for us.”
It had been nearly an entire decade since New York’s last major championship. The Giants hadn’t won a Super Bowl since Scott Norwood’s gift wide right in 1991. The Knicks haven’t won it all since 1973 - although they seemed poised to make a run at the title any year now with Isaiah Thomas at the helm. The New York Rangers won the Stanley Cup in 1994, but hockey doesn’t really count.
One has to reach all the way back to the year 2000 to find New York’s last major championship. Remember those days? Computers were … well, kind of like they are now. But the Internet was … well, a little smaller, I guess.
The New York Yankees, winners of only 25 chamionships at that time, faced their cross-town rivals, the New York Mets - the good people of New York were assured a championship either way!
New York City had surpassed Philadelphia as the most suffering city, in terms of major sports championships. Philadelphia had gone longer without a championship, but New York is louder, and thus cares more.
“Thank God is all I can say,” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg mused at the Giants’ victory parade. “I was so sick of hearing about how we were the ‘Winless Metropolis,’ or the ‘City that Never Wins.’ All I can do now is pray that we don’t have to wait another long, miserable seven years for another championship. We just don’t deserve it.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The quotes are fake… the heartache is real. Psyche! Remember when people used to say “psyche”? No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Random Flashback Headlines
- SPECIAL REPORT: ZambranoGate - or; How Carlos Zambrano Learned to Stop Fighting the Crazy, and Start Fighting Michael Barrett
- Tony LaRussa refuses to talk with Mills Fleet Farm representatives for entire weekend
- The Nation Mourns its Fallen Hero
- I Could Benchpress You
- Snow Relieved to Learn Cubs Aren’t Playing
- Jim Edmonds Skips Thursday’s Game Against Rockies to Watch LOST Finale - Teammates Don’t Really Mind
- Cubs to Fans: “Haha, suckaz!”
- Young Cubs Fan “Pretty Sure” Inverting His Hat Causes Cub Wins
- Cubs Discover Washington Nationals Are Secretly a Real Life MLB Team
- Jim Hendry to Replace Rosie O’Donnell on ‘The View’
