NEWSBRIEF: Ryan Theriot “Thanks God” There’s a ‘Step Up 2′ - Laments That There Was Not Enough Hip-Hop Action in ‘Step Up 1′
April 25, 2008
;)
Theriot was also quick to point out that he has suffered from a severe pop-and-lock deficiency since the December 2006 release of the original. ‘Step Up 2′ is slated for wide release on Valentine’s Day.
Geovany Soto Misunderstands “Pitchers and Catchers Due to Report Date;” Comes to Camp with Dr. Seuss Book Report
April 25, 2008
(Mesa, AZ) - It’s the time of year that baseball fans all across the country have patiently awaited for months: baseball is finally returning as pitchers and catchers will soon report to Spring Training. It is no different for Cubs pitchers and catchers who are officially due to report on Wednesday. For young catcher, Geovany Soto, the words “report,” “due” and “Wednesday” took on an entirely different meaning.
The youngster, perhaps unfamiliar with usual Spring practices, arrived late Tuesday night to Cubs camp in Mesa, Arizona, complete with cleats, glove, at least two balls, and something less typical of Spring Training: a book report on noted children’s author Dr. Seuss’ “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.”
“Ok, ok, so I misunderstood report due date. English is not my first language,” Soto explained after Lou Piniella returned the catcher’s report with a befuddled expression. “Everyone is just making fun because I wrote my report on a cherished children’s novel. I should have gone with my gut, and written it on one of Dr. Seuss’ adult ‘romance novels’ like ‘Horton Hears a Whore.’”
;)
In the book report’s closing paragraph, Soto aptly noted that the book was about numbers, colors, and “outrageously wacky fish genitalia.”
“I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it,” Manager Lou Piniella said after receiving Soto’s report. “I mean, on the one hand, it’s an excellent report. But on the other hand, even if he thought he had to do a book report … Dr. [freaking] Seuss? It’s a book for children and retarded adults. And frankly, I’m not too keen on having either as my backstop this year. We tried retarded last year [with catcher Michael Barrett], and we all saw how well that worked out.”
Apparently, Soto was not the only Cubs to misunderstand. “Yeah, Soto’s [report] wasn’t the only one I got. I guess he convinced a couple other guys that they had book reports due, too, but theirs were much, much worse. [Pitcher Ryan] Dempster scribbled out a book report on the ingredients list on a packet of ketchup. He said he didn’t want to spoil the ending, but it was ‘vinegar-tastic.’”
Pitcher Sean Marshall prepared a report on an article in this month’s issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. “Yeah, yeah, so I was obviously confused,” Marshall said of his gaffe. “But I don’t care what you say, everyone here should be interested in ‘The 10 Top Ways to Please Your Man in Bed.’”
“And I know for a fact that it also has a lot to do with pitching and catching. Well, at least number 3 and number 7. And number 9 if you’re really flexible.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Yup, another day, another fake article that is trying to be timely. Don’t like it? Then leave. Not really. I love you. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Roger Clemens distracted by “that Flitwick-lookin’ dude” during Congressional Hearing
April 25, 2008
(Washington, D.C.) — The Roger Clemens performance-enhancing drug scandal finally came to a head today, when Clemens faced a stinging round of questions from members of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform — including a series of probing inquiries posed by “that weird lookin’ dude — you know — the one who looks like that little elf from Harry Potter?”
Mr. Clemens? Will you please point out to the committee which of these men is human with a dash of goblin ancestry?
When informed that the man in question is actually Henry Waxman, chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, and not Filius Flitwick, Charms Master at Hogwarts and the head of Ravenclaw, Clemens responded, “Oh yeah? Then how did he trick me into touching my face, throat and mouth as I was talking? How did he get me to keep touching and scratching my nose and behind my ear? That was purely involuntary — that elfin mother[sic] had me hypnotized!”
Clemens quickly added, “And how else would he have made that one guy [Rep. Davis] ask me if I recalled bleeding through my pants in 2001? That’s wizardry shit!”
After Mr. Clemens attorney told his client that excessive and involuntary touching of one’s face is often an indication that the person is not telling the truth, Roger gave pause.
“OK. Fine. But how do you explain me not being able to make eye contact with anyone?” asked Clemens. “Ummm-uh. Yep. Wizard shit.”
Filius Flitwick — I mean, Henry Waxman — was not available for comment.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Henry Waxman doesn’t resemble Filius Flitwick, or anyone else from Harry Potter (am I scratching my nose too much right now?). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
NEWSBRIEF: Ryan Dempster Predicts World Series, Drools
April 25, 2008
On the heels of his bold and baffling prediction that the Cubs would win the World Series this season, Chicago Cubs relievertard Ryan Dempster dropped an even bigger bombshell: he drooled a lot. In between drool bucket changes, he was heard to remark, “I like McDonalds. I like french fries.”
;)
Tennis Vixen Anna Kournikova Loses Another Tournament; You Would Still Bang Her
April 25, 2008
(Orlando, FL) - Beautiful tennis player Anna Kournikova, better known for her looks than her tennis playing, recently lost another tournament. Kournikova was participating in the Denny’s Diabetes Challenge, a charity event in Orlando featuring a field comprised of celebrities, children, and diabetics - none of whom were actual tennis players. Kournikova bowed out in the first round, losing 6-1, 6-0 to diabetic New Years Rockin’ Eve host Dick Clark, who was using the tournament as he rehabilitates from a 2004 stroke.
But the news isn’t all bad for Kournikova.
You’d totally still bang her.
;)
Anna, doing what she does best: Breathing and standing. And silent. Ever so silent.
“Yeah, I know she sucks at tennis,” you told your friends Thursday night. “But I’d still hit it.”
As if your friends were skeptical, you thought it necessary to continue to reassure them. “No, seriously, I’d totally still bang her. Good at tennis, bad at tennis. Whatever, you know? She’s beautiful, and I’d make time for her.”
You even went so far as to state that you would “definitely pick Kournikova” if given the choice between bedding Anna Kournikova and beautiful and actually talented tennis player Maria Sharapova, and/or sexy race-car driver Danica Patrick.
You also confirmed that you would still “do her” if she were missing an arm or a foot, if she was anti-semetic, or if she “had a really tiny penis.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Anna actually hasn’t played in any kind of tournament for like 2 years. You’d still bang her, though. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Felix Pie Suffers Twisted Testicle, Alfonso Soriano Suffers Broken Finger, Cubs Nation Suffers Coincidence-itis
April 25, 2008
According to Cubs.com, the two injuries happened late last week and/or over the weekend.
“All I’m saying is I know they’re close,” Cub fan Reggie Copeland said Monday in response to the disclosure of injuries to Cub outfielders Felix Pie and Alfonso Soriano. “Look. If one were going to twist someone’s testicle - I’m not saying it happened, I’m just saying if - how would one do it? Would they not do it with their fingers? I’m just saying there are scenarios here. Scenarios.”
Curious happenings with the pair (Pie and Soriano, not Pie’s testicles) have been previously reported here at the Brickyard.
;)
Cameras caught the double injury just moments after it happened. (photo courtesy Chicago Tribune)
NEWSBRIEF: Brett Favre Retires to Pursue Writing, Directing and No-Inflection Monotone Acting Career
April 25, 2008
“I could play another 15 years, sure,” the retiring Green Bay Packer Quarterback said Tuesday. “But I want to explore other opportunities, like Tiki Barber. Ever since my Academy Award-winning performance in ‘There’s Something About Mary,’ I’ve just felt bitten by the bug. The Hollywood bug. I’ve even got a script. Check it out. ‘There’s Something About Mary 2: There’s Still Something About Mary’s Hair.’ I come back, kick that loser Ted’s butt, and me and Mary make sure her hair is always stuck up. Know what I’m saying?”
;)
Sean Gallagher Patiently Explains that ‘Hannah Montana’ is the Superstar Performer, Miley Cyrus is “Just the regular girl”
April 25, 2008
(Mesa, AZ) - The chatter in the Cubs Spring Training bullpen this time of year usually focuses on questions of who will make the team, what the pitchers’ previous experiences were with a particular hitter, or how to throw a circle change. But the discussion took an interesting turn Tuesday afternoon when reliever Scott Eyre remarked that he was getting pretty sick of that “Hannah Labama, or whatever” that his kids are so into these days.
“You mean Hannah Montana, dude,” youngster Sean Gallagher reportedly interjected at Eyre’s gaffe. It only took a “who cares” from Eyre and a raised eyebrow or two from the other pitchers to launch Gallagher into a tirade into the relative virtues of Disney television show, “Hannah Montana,” and its teenage star, Miley Cyrus.
His teammates feigned interest as Gallagher explained that Miley Stewart, the character portrayed by Miley Cyrus on the show, is “an average teenager living a secret nightlife as superstar performer, Hannah Montana.”
Sensing a lack of interest, Gallagher stepped up his pro-Hannah rant. “Do you guys seriously not watch this show? Are you kidding me? It is, like, the best show on TV right now. Right up there with ‘That’s so Raven’ and ‘Kim Possible,’” Gallagher squealed with excitement. “Oh, and ‘The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.’ That show is totally (pause) SWEET!”
;)
“After I saw her in concert in October,” Gallagher recalled for teammates, “she came out with that ‘I Can’t Wait to See You Again’ song. Coincidence? I think not.”
Gallagher wasn’t all smiles and sunshine, though. After repeatedly warning Cubs Reliever Kerry Wood to stop singing the Billy Ray Cyrus anthem “Achey Breaky Heart” because Miley is “nothing like her hick hack father,” Gallagher unleashed a furious stream of expletives and she-slaps not seen since Chris Crocker.
Gallagher concluded his bullpen session by inviting his teammates over to his condo to watch DVR’d episodes of “Hannah Montana.” Most declined immediately, and after asking whether any of the episodes take place at the beach, reliever Ryan Dempster also declined.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Sean probably doesn’t have a huge thing for Hannah Montana. You do, though, you sick Google stalker! No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Reggie Bush on Relationship with Kim Kardashian: “There’s a chick attached to that ass?”
April 25, 2008
“I didn’t realize I was ‘dating’ anyone,” the Heisman trophy-winning running back said. “I just saw a gigantic ass, and thought, ‘I gotta be next to that.’”
;)
Women’s College Basketball Tournament Finally Arrives!
April 25, 2008
The Women’s College Basketball Tournament is here!!!
Perhaps recognizing that not all college enthusiasts have the same interest in women’s college basketball as this writer, Women’s NCAA Tournament Director Rocco Metini has launched a newly-crafted campaign designed to attract new viewers for the tournament.
“We believe our tournament has so much to offer, but people just dont’ know about it,” Metini said Sunday. “So we’re going to do everything we can to get the word out that if you want to see the world’s best fundamentals, including both bounce and chest passes, ours is the tournament for you.”
Metini said that the campaign would be launched this week, commensurate with the later rounds of the tournament, but he was willing to share a few tidbits.
“Well, we know that sex sells,” Metini said with an almost childish glee. “So the very first thing we’re going to do with this campaign, is not show a single picture of any of our players.”
;)
The Times started to ask why, but quickly thought better of it.
“We’ve got an idea to have a three-pronged attack. If you hate dunks, athleticism, or any kind of excitement at all, we’ve got everything you could hope for in a post-season tournament,” Metini continued. “And we also want to highlight our most popular shot: A heaving three pointer, chucked from where there should be a heaving bossom, but there isn’t. Whether that is due to the ridiculous flattening effect of today’s powerful sports bras or the ridiculous flattening effect of today’s powerful rhinocerus testosterone, we really don’t care. It’s fabulous either way.”
Metini also promises “30 to 35 percent more nappy headed hoes this year, with an eye on a 50 percent increase by 2010,” and concluded that “real March Madness” is cramming 15 big, angry man-chicks on a tiny bus, all on the same cycle.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. This article is miscegenistic garbage, and I can’t believe you even read it. Besides, there are like, at least 1 or 2 attractive women’s college basketball players. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Random Flashback Headlines
- NEWSBRIEF: Ashley Lelie “Kind of Pissed” That His Name is Ashley
- Detroit Red Wings Awarded Stanley Cup Under Shroud of Mystery, Apathy
- Running Low on Options, Mark Prior’s Doctors Recommend Emergency Episiotomy
- Pujols to LaRussa: “You can’t come to my birthday party!”
- Yankees Trade for Ivan Rodriguez About Ten Years Too Late
- 3 versus 1 Celtics/Cavs Series Just Seems Unfair
- New York to Deal with Unwanted Media Attention as Brett Favre Arrives
- All Star Game Determines World Series Home-Field Advantage - Board Game Determines ALCS Home-Field
- “Eccentric” Owner George Steinbrenner Leaving Yankees to Become Crazy Old F*ck
- Uncomfortable Silence Follows Kobe Bryant Comment that “We Just Raped in Colorado”
