Confused, Possibly Comically Racist Lou Piniella Demands Kosuke Fukudome’s Translator Get His Ass Out to Right Field
April 25, 2008
As the Cubs were set to take the field in the bottom of the 8th inning, an agitated Lou Pinella had something of a senior moment when he demanded that the translator of the Cubs Japanese transplant Right Fielder Kosuke Fukudome “get [his] ass in gear, and take the field.”
Fukudome’s translator, Ryuji Araki, was initially confused by the demand. “I did not understand why Piniella was telling me to take to the field of combat. That is Kosuke’s job. My job is to translate,” Araki said. “But I have dreamed since my days as a child in Osaka that one day I might play in a baseball game as a professional. I did not want to miss my chance. I did not translate the order for Kosuke.”
Araki was noticeably excited by the chance to play for the Chicago Cubs. Or, alternatively, the jock strap he had quickly adorned was riding up pleasurably.
Piniella realized his mistake when Araki attempted to affix Fukudome’s glove to his head. “I mean, I knew they played the game a little different over there [in Japan], but that just wasn’t right.”
Hopes that the confusion was merely the result of a senior moment, were sadly dashed.
When confronted about how he could possibly confuse the two, Piniella was effusive at best, and marginally racist at worst. “Oh, come on. Me so sawwy. They look similar, ok? You know what I mean? Now I understand how Lyons could have made his little faux pas at me.”
Piniella was referring to controversial comments made by former Fox baseball analyst, Steve Lyons. Lyons was fired in October of 2006 after comments that seemed to imply he feared Piniella might steal his wallet because of his Hispanic background.
“Look, I already apologized to both of them, like, a ton,” Piniella continued. “I even told them I love them, and would never confuse them again.”
Piniella made a quick crack about having “yellow fever” and offering a “Pacific Rim-job” to make it up to the pair.
We had no further questions at that point.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We are SUPERULTRAMEGA kidding on this one. Lou might confuse people because he’s old, but we have absolutely no reason to believe he’s racist. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Corey Hart Tired of Everyone Suggesting He Switch His Auto Insurance Provider
April 25, 2008
“The first time some fan behind the plate yelled at me about switching my auto insurance to GEICO, I just brushed it off,” said Hart. “But the next day, [Brewers left fielder] Ryan Braun asked me if my current auto insurance provider’s [Allstate] Web site is intuitive enough to meet my needs. After that, the public interest in my insurance needs skyrocketed. I don’t get it. Do people think I’m a bad driver or something?”
“WHAT THE [HECK] IS SO [GOSH DARN] SPECIAL ABOUT MOTHER [FLIPPING] GEICO, ANYWAY? TELL ME!”
Hart’s driving record is clean and he hasn’t made an insurance claim since his teenage years when he got into a minor fender-bender in the Waffle House parking lot in his hometown of Bowling Green, Kentucky. With a wife and three kids, his rates are very reasonable and he has never had an issue with Allstate.
“Yeah. You’re right — my driving record is solid. Can you see why I’m confused?” asked Hart. “Is there something I’m missing? Does GEICO have some sort of nationwide referral program?”
GEICO spokeswoman Eileen Speidel was contacted earlier this week and informed the Times Monitor Standard Courier that there is no nationwide referral program.
“Oh, by the way…if anyone runs into Ned Yost, could you tell him that I can pay my bills online with Allstate just fine and I don’t need to take a look at the easy and eye-appealing layout at www.geico.com. You can also tell him he’s an a-hole, while you’re at it.”
When contacted by the Times Monitor Standard Courier, Hart’s agent replied, “Do you know this Speidel chick over at GEICO? Ever since you contacted her, she’s been all over my back about some sort of endorsement deal for my client. Do I need to make an official statement? Fine. Here goes — Mr. Hart is 100% satisfied with his current auto insurance provider. He has no plans to switch his coverage now or in the future. OK? Got it?”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We’re unsure of who actually insures Corey Hart’s vehicles…but someone should really let him know how easy GEICO’s Web site is to navigate. Really. It’s incredibly easy. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
NEWSBRIEF: Kerry Wood Requests “It’s Raining Men” for his Entrance Music
April 25, 2008
“I just think it will get the fans excited. I know it does for me,” Wood said. The Cubs will have to figure out what to do about the song when reliever Scott Eyre returns from the disabled list. The song was his choice, as well.
;)
MLB Plagued by Rash of Teams That Don’t Realize They Suck
April 25, 2008
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(Baltimore, MD; Kansas City, MO; St. Louis, MO; Chicago, IL; Arlington, TX; Miami, FL; Cincinnati, OH) - The first week and a half is in the books for Major League Baseball, but many of the division standings look utterly upside down. That’s because there are several teams that have apparently briefly forgotten that they suck.
“We haven’t seen anything like this since the Kansas City Royals took a multigame lead in the AL Central deep into August back in 2003,” ESPN’S Tim Kurkjin said Friday morning. “They had completely forgotten how shitty they were supposed to be. I made sure to write them a letter to remind them, and sure enough, they fell back into their proper place from there.”
So far this season, the Baltimore Orioles, the Kansas City Royals, the St. Louis Cardinals, the Chicago White Sox, the Texas Rangers, the Florida Marlins, and the Cincinnati Reds all have winning records, all stand near the top of their division, and most importantly, all have the constitution of a mid-major college women’s softball team.
“We don’t really know what to do about it,” MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said at a press conference on Thursday. “Yes, it’s a problem. It’s pervasive, and we need to deal with it. But it’s difficult, because these teams are so bad, but obviously just have no clue that they have no business winning games this year.”
“I mean, come on. The Cardinal rotation looks like the rotation in my grandson’s little league team. And they wear helmets on and off the field, if you know what I mean.”
“The Marlins’ entire payroll is less than Alex Rodriguez’s salary. That’s not schtick. That’s a fact. And the Orioles. Dear God. I mean, they are desperately awaiting Freddy Bynum’s return from the DL. Freddy [freaking] Bynum!”
“We’re just glad that the Devil Rays - excuse me - the Rays have finally dipped back under .500,” Selig continued. “As a league, we’re strong enough to stand a good Marlins team or a good Cardinals team, but the Rays. Well, that’s bigger than baseball, and could have taken us down.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. This is a joke. These teams obviously realize they suck. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Soriano-less Cubs Beat up on Reds; Or - How Alfonso Soriano’s Leg Exploded Playing Hopscotch
April 25, 2008
But that wasn’t the story this morning. It never is with the Cubs.
The story centers around left fielder Alfonso Soriano, who left the game after the top half of the first inning with an apparent leg injury. Fans and teammates wondered loudly how he could possibly hurt himself making a routine catch on a Ken Griffey Junior pop up - after all, isn’t getting injured on a totally routine play Griffey’s job?
But it turns out it was not the routine play that injured Soriano. It’s that stupid-ass game of hopscotch he plays every damn inning.
Hop. Catch. Hop. Catch. Double Dutch. Catch. Hop. Leg explosion.
;)
For over a year now, it has seemed that Soriano is incapable of catching a fly ball without hopping first - a very dainty hop, we might add. Fans immediately voiced trepidation at the sight of it, but that was out of fear that he might misplay a ball. No one expected his dainty, dainty game of hopscotch to result in severe leg injury that, it was recently announced, will require an MRI. Manager Lou Piniella says Soriano will be out “a while.”
So teammates and fans have a suggestion for Soriano when he returns from his inevitable four-month stay on the disabled list: Cut out the hopscotch, and just catch the damn ball.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Although, this is about as un-parody-y as a parody piece gets. No one should construe this fake article as being fact (except that it kinda is). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Miguel Tejada Admits He Lied About His Age; Probably Shouldn’t Have Played in Little League World Series Last Year
April 25, 2008
;)
Though he said he should not have played, Tejada said “You’ve got to admit, I was the most dominant Little Leaguer since that Danny Almonte. What an amazing 12 year old he was.”
Cowboys Trade for Pac-Man, Deny Rumor They Will Use 2008 1st Round Picks on Mario Brothers
April 25, 2008
(Dallas, TX) - In between Botox injections, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones denied vehemently the rumors that the Pac-Man Jones trade is a precursor to the selection of Mario and Luigi Smash with the 22nd and 28th picks in the upcoming NFL Draft.
;)
Ey, we make-a mean-a set-a linebackahs!
The Brickyard, acting on advice from Mel Kiper Jr, has now updated their mock draft for picks 22-32 to reflect these rumored discussions.
22. Dallas- Mario Smash, LB
23. Pittsburgh- Banjo Zooie, CB
24. Tennessee- Princess Toadstool, Cheerleader
25. Seattle- Link Swordsman, Quarterback/Gnome Slayer
26. Jacksonville- Mega Man, Wide Receiver
27. San Diego- Ninja Gaiden, ???
28. Dallas- Luigi Smash, LB
29. San Francisco- Samus Aran, Metrosexual/Alien/Punt Returner
30. Green Bay- Sub Zero, Running Back
31. New England- Waluigi Smash, Dirty Cheater
32. New York Giants- Donkey Kong, OT/Building Climber
We thank Mel for his assistance in this mock draft. $10 to anyone who submits a more accurate draft board.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Mel Kiper didn’t really help us with this, only our tortured childhood spent in front of a TV and Nintendo system. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Koz.)
Rafael Furcal: “I was drunk when I crashed into Derrek Lee last year”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - As the Cubs prepare to open a critical four-game tilt against the Los Angeles Dodgers later today, the Dodgers’ starting shortstop was preparing to open something of his own: his heart.
Rafael Furcal, 30, signed a lucrative three-year contract with the Dodgers before the 2006 season after a string alcohol-related problems, including two DUI arrests. Some teams feared the shortstop might be a distraction, and shied away from the talented but troubled Furcal. The Dodgers believed in Furcal, believed he could clean up his life, and took a chance on him. They have been rewarded by his play on the field, and his responsibility with alcohol off the field.
Or so they thought.
At a press conference late Sunday night, Rafael Furcal admitted something that, according to him, has been eating away at his insides for a year and a half, and that he had to get off his chest before his team played the Cubs again this year: he was intoxicated when he crashed into Chicago Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee in April of 2006.
;)
Initially after the crash, Furcal reportedly told a visibly injured Lee, “Let’s not report this thing, ok buddy? I’ll cut you a check, and it’ll all be ok,” before vomiting a little bit.
“It was a horrible mistake,” Furcal said of the incident which resulted in a broken wrist for Lee, and his missing 59 games and never fully recovering that year. “I didn’t realize how drunk I was when I picked up that bat, and I thought I could maintain, you know? But by the time I got to first base, I was all over the baseline, swerving back and forth. I’m sorry for what I did, and I’m just glad that nobody was killed.” Furcal ended his press conference by offering to “buy a few rounds” for the Cubs.
The Dodgers are considering the full panoply of remedies to ensure Furcal stays on the straight and narrow through the remainder of his contract, including installing an alcohol-breath analyzer on Furcal’s bats which would prevent him from batting if he could not blow into the bat sober. The team is also allowing M.O.D.A.B. (Mothers Opposed to Drunk-Ass Baseball) to give a presentation to the players on the dangers of mixing alcohol and 100 mph fastballs.
A Dodger spokesman denied that the team has ever considered releasing Furcal, however, because “he’s good and makes us money. Duh.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Rafael Furcal did not say or do these things, and has probably cleaned up his life by now, even if he is still a pud. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Ryan Theriot Defends Britney Spears’ VMA Flop
April 25, 2008
(Pittsburgh, PA) - After the Cubs lost the rubber game of their series with the Pirates, most of the team was down in the dumps in the clubhouse. Shortstop Ryan Theriot said he was knee-deep in another kind of dumps: dumps like a truck.
Theriot was awe-struck by the Sunday evening opening performance, and supposed comeback, of pop tart (we’re thinking S’mores flavor) Britney Spears at the MTV Video Music Awards. Shortly after the performance aired, when critics were panning it as laughably bad, Theriot was telling teamates this performance was much better than in 2003 when Britney and Madonna kissed. That year, he said, you had to use your imagination to see the flabutastic ass-rolls. This year, they were everywhere.
“When she said, ‘It’s Britney, bitch,’ he was shaking, and he shouted, ‘I know, bitch!,” at the TV,” teammate Mark DeRosa said. “It was a little sad.”
Theriot defended the performance as “divinely-inspired” throughout the night. “I thought it was amazing how she could throw her voice. You’d see her mouth moving one second, but you wouldn’t hear the words for like, five or six seconds later. That must be the magic trick she was working on with Criss Angel.”
;)
Theriot said this fall was brilliantly choreographed, but several media reports speculate Britney simply collapsed under her own weight.
“I don’t understand the reports I’m reading,” Theriot said while perusing his homepage, TMZ.com. “Look. She sounded great, her dance moves were the shitzle (note: we can only assume he meant to say, “shizzle,” but in case not, we leave his attempt being cool unchanged). And I tell you what, that body was bangin’.”
“I like ‘em after they’ve had two kids. Oh, and after they’ve smoked a hundred cartons, eaten a few herds of cattle, and drank a few Great Lakes-sized mugs of beer. They look more natural that way,” Theriot continued after a brief shift of his cup. “And those deep blue eyes, and beautiful blond locks? Natural chicks just do it for me.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Ryan did not say these things, because no one with a penis a brain could have thought that was a good performance. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Rich Hill “Completely Misunderstands” When Mark DeRosa Asks Him to Join a Fantasy League
April 25, 2008
“When he showed up for the draft wearing assless chaps and tassels, I knew he had completely misunderstood,” said Mark DeRosa. “I didn’t kick him out, though.”
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