New England Patriots Cheat on Boardgames, Taxes, Wife, but “Never Football”
April 25, 2008
(Foxboro, MA) - The New England Patriots, embroiled in a scandal involving the video taping of opponents’ coaches during games - a violation of league rules - have released a statement following the Commissioner’s decision to fine the team, and remove a draft pick:
First and foremost, we would like to take back any apologies that may have been offered on our behalf by coaches or players in this organization. We do not apologize. We disagree vehemently with the Commissioner’s decision, and we will fight it wherever we can - in the league office, in a courthouse, or in a monkey knife fight.
We did not do anything wrong. We would never cheat to win a football game. We are the kind of men who do not do that sort of thing. We may cheat on a boardgame here or there, and we may even cheat on our taxes - though we still contend that money earned in a contest to see how many $20s can stick to Tom Brady’s naked body covered with maple syrup does not qualify as “income” under the current Tax Code.
We also may at times cheat on our wives. Like this one time I met this Peruvian chick at O’Hurley’s on 3rd, and she was wearing this silk blouse and these come-and-get-it-hooker boots, you know the type, and she was all, “Do you play football?,” and I’m all, “Yeah baby, and I can get us in any club you want,” and she was like dancing like you wouldn’t believe and we went hog-crazy behind this 7-11 before this hobo… wait. Um. What was I talking about?
Oh, right. Right. Football. We would never cheat on football, and we will stand by that statement until the end. Thank you for your attention, and if anyone has Rick Ankiel or Troy Glaus or Gary Mathews, Jr.’s phone number, please direct it to our attention. We just need their help with a little project. Thanks.
Roger Broadbent
Spokesman
The New England Patriots
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Patriots did not actually release this statement, but rest assured, if they did, a Chicago Cubs news and parody blog would totally be the first place they’d think of. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Tiger Woods Wins FedEx Cup - Duped into Accepting Dukes of Hazzard Collectible Cup Instead
April 25, 2008
“Well, it’s not like I had any idea what the FedEx Cup was,” Woods lamented. “I mean, do you? I can’t believe I fell for plastic cup with a gigantic picture of Boss Hogg, though. I knew I shouldn’t have kissed the thing. It tasted like bacon grease and sweat.”
“I just wish it was like that new movie, ‘Dukes of Hazzard.’ There were a couple cups in that I wouldn’t mind receiving.
“Get it?”
“I’m talking about Jessica Simpson’s breasts.”
Jim Edmonds “Totally Had to Dive” For That Ball
April 25, 2008
(St. Louis, MO) - St. Louis Cardinals Center Fielder Jim Edmonds is known for his impressive catches in the outfield. Sometimes it’s on the run. Sometimes it’s by the shoestrings. Sometimes it’s over the shoulder. Quite often, though, it’s a sliding catch.
Sometimes when the ball is hit right at him.
“I’m an awesome fielder, what can I say?” Responded Edmonds to questions about his defensive choices. “People think I make easy catches look hard, but that’s [bologna]. The catches I make are hard. Really hard. When that liner gets shoved into my mitt, it’s hard, and I feel it smacking in there. But it’s a great feeling. Like getting hugged on the inside.”
As for his penchant for dives on balls that seemingly could be caught without such theatrics, Edmonds was indignant. “I know when I have to dive. Like the other night, that lazy pop fly hit right to me? I totally had to dive for it. I knew Rick [Ankiel] wasn’t going to get there - he hasn’t gotten a shipment in weeks.”
“The fact of the matter is, I like to dive at balls,” Edmonds went on to say. “I don’t really care where the balls have been or where they’re going. If I see those white balls flopping up there in the wind, I’m gonna dive right at them. It’s what I do.”
“The only balls I don’t dive for are sac’s (sacrifice flies). I know I’ve got to catch the sac’s standing up so I can cradle them gently, and toss them back home.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Jim did not say these things… but *everything* else stated is true and accurate. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Instability in Al Anbar Province in Iraq Continues - Rex Grossman Blamed
April 25, 2008
Grossman also to blame for slow Katrina response, Chicago Bears offensive struggles, pregnant mothers’ deaths on the island of “Lost,” the Britney Spears trainwreck, and the weakness of the US dollar in foreign currency markets.
;)
Grossman has also been blamed for the declining popularity of “doggy-style.” (photo credit: Deadspin)
Jason Kendall Resurrecting Career, “Not unlike Jesus Christ”
April 25, 2008
(Miami, FL) - As the Cubs come down the stretch, clinging to a three-game lead in the NL Central, the team heads to Miami for a three-game tilt with the Florida Marlins. As they do it, there seems to be an extra spring in the players’ step. An aura of confidence? Perhaps.
An aura of godliness?
The Cubs turnaround this season seems to have begun with the trade of sometimes panty-less catcher Michael Barrett. After briefly trying to fill the position with NL scraps, the Cubs moved to a acquire a man who had once been a dominant catcher in the league. A man who once led a pitching staff of twelve disciples. But a man whose career was thought dead.
That man, who breathed new life into a sputtering Cubs team, has also breathed new life into his career. That man is Jason Kendall.
Jason Kendall was hitting a paltry .226 for the Oakland Athletics when the Cubs acquired him. His career, it seemed, was dead. His teamates had foresaken him. His best friend on the team, Nick Swisher, had denied three times to the media that the two were ever friends. But after the cross from the A’s to the Cubs, Kendall was like a new man. The change, he said, has been divine.
“Yeah, I guess I’ve really turned things around since coming to the Cubs,” Kendall said Tuesday, where he entered the game hitting .284 for the Cubs with an excellent .376 OBP. “The only way I could really describe it is that I’ve resurrected my career not unlike Jesus Christ. Basically, I’m Jesus Christ.”
When asked how he could boldly assert such blasphemy, Kendall, who has instituted proceedings to legally change his name to “Jason Cendall,” was unphased. “Far be it from me to compare myself to the Son of God, but when the shoe fits, kiss it. No, seriously. Kiss my feet.”
Though the Cubs are pleased with Kendall’s performance, his new-found, self-imposed deity status has ruffled a few clubhouse feathers. “I’m glad he’s hitting better and everything,” teammate Jacque Jones said. “But I keep telling him that I’m not gonna call him ‘The King of the Jews.’ At least not while Billy Crystal is alive.” Teammates have also struggled with how to respond to Kendall’s requests to “eat of [his] body.”
“I’ll eat just about anything,” corpulent first baseman Daryl Ward said, “But I ain’t eatin’ no dude.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Jason Kendall does not believe himself to be Jesus Christ, and frankly, he hasn’t been *that* good. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Unable to Drop “Losers” Tag, Cubs Work to Shed “Lovable” Tag by Beating Up Handicapped Children
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Fresh off a three-game sweep at the hands of the arguably inferior Arizona Diamondbacks in the Divisional Playoffs, the Chicago Cubs return to their homes this week and must suffer through a long offseason before a chance at redemption. Long known as the “Lovable Losers” of Chicago, many Cubs were saddened that they missed the opportunity to change that public perception.
“If we had just won, you know? Then we’d be winners,” Cubs pitcher Ted Lilly astutely observed. “I know I’ve only been here a year, but I wanted to be a part of the first group of ‘winners’ here in a hundred years.”
But not all of the Cubs shared Lilly’s sentiment. Although they, too, are eager to shed the “Lovable Loser” tag, teamates Scott Eyre and Ryan Dempster are trying a different tack: they’re beating the crap out of local handicapped children.
The idea, which began as a midseason joke, was purportedly Dempster’s. After blowing his fifth and sixth saves on the season, according to teamates, Dempster quipped that if the Cubs can’t stop being losers, they would be wise to stop being lovable. But when an errant beer can struck Ronnie “Woo Woo” Wickers in the head, Dempster knew he was onto something.
“Yeah, we were all so sick of that nickname, so we did something about it,” Dempster said. “Any team can go out and win. That doesn’t take skill. But real champions know how to go out, buy a couple tire irons, Mapquest a local special ed center, and do what it takes to be hated.”
Scott Eyre, a perfect henchman, joined in shortly after Dempster crafted the idea. “Say what you will, but we’re sure as heck not ‘lovable losers’ anymore. Losers, maybe. But my own children hate me now. As well they should. I recently beat the shit out of my paraplegic son. One for the cause, you know?”
Not only have Dempster and Eyre been able to bring several teamates on board, but they have also organized a fun run to continue their cause. They call it “Race for the Jerk,” and participants will traverse Chicago kicking out braces and crutches as they go.
The Cubs also have plans to expand their brutish hostility to include women, the elderly, the Irish, and victims of hurricane Katrina.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Please understand: this one is really, REALLY untrue. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: One-Year Anniversary of Cory Lidle’s Death Passes - NYC Mayor Declares it OK to Wonder Who the Shit Cory Lidle is Again
April 25, 2008
“I wasn’t really sure who he was when I heard he died in a plane crash last year. Now I really don’t know. Is he that ’80s child star who was semi-gay with the other Cory?”
NEWSBRIEF: Cincinnati Reds Take Aim at 2009-2011 Number One Overall Picks, Hire Dusty Baker as Manager for 2008-2010
April 25, 2008
“It’s becoming very hard, especially in the NL Central, to get that number one pick anymore,” GM Wayne Krivisky said. “We believe Dusty gives us that losing edge. He sucks harder than a Gold Card-level hooker. Thanks. Thanks. I’ll be playing the Funny Bone next Thursday. Mention this quote and receive a George Foster sticker!”
“Eccentric” Owner George Steinbrenner Leaving Yankees to Become Crazy Old F*ck
April 25, 2008
(New York, NY) - Change is in the New York air after another abrupt Yankee exit from the playoffs. Was it Joe Torre’s last as manager of the Yankees? Will Alex Rodriguez opt out of his contract and become a free agent? Such changes will have to wait, because perhaps the biggest change possible has already happened: George Steinbrenner will no longer be running the team.
Steinbrenner, who will continue to serve in a nominal role, has owned the team for decades, and has run the team with what some have euphemistically dubbed a pleasant eccentricty. Whether it was publicly threatening to trade players or fire managers, or requiring players to honor rigorous grooming standards, Steinbrenner has always been a bit strange.
And now that he’s leaving the Yankees, that’s really all he’s going to be.
;)
Steinbrenner was caught Tuesday trying to eat his own armpit.
“When he was running the team, it made a little more sense to do whatever Mr. Steinbrenner told me,” General Manager Brian Cashman said. “But now that he’s just a regular old guy, it’s a little strange when he asks me to pop out of a giant birthday cake in a diaper and sing ‘Happy Birthday, Mr. President.’”
Yankees coach Don Mattingly agreed. “Before, when he told me to shave something, I figured fine, whatever, he’s the boss, you know? But now it just feels weird. And frankly, there’s only so much I can shave.”
“I am not crazy!” an indignant Steinbrenner shouted at a parking meter last Friday. “I’m eccentric, rich, smelly, crazy, and ruggedly bow-legged. But I am not a haberdasher!”
Steinbrenner plans to retire to a bench by his favorite lake where he can feed/thumb-wrestle the ducks, and debate the merits of hip hop music versus the color green with other special members of the New York community.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. George Steinbrenner probably is a nut job, but that’s not for me to say. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Ashley Lelie “Kind of Pissed” That His Name is Ashley
April 25, 2008
;)
Lelie also pissed that he can’t find flats to match his autumn handbag.
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Random Flashback Headlines
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- NEWSBRIEF: NFL to Simulcast Saturday’s Giants-Patriots Game on NFL Network, CBS, NBC, VH1, HGTV, and Newly-Created Giants-Patriots Game Channel
- Confused, Possibly Comically Racist Lou Piniella Demands Kosuke Fukudome’s Translator Get His Ass Out to Right Field
- Baseball gods tired of the same old Cubs curses, decide to “go Exodus on the Northsiders”
- Magic Johnson’s AIDS-Celtics Analogy Falls Flat
- Uncomfortable Silence Follows Kobe Bryant Comment that “We Just Raped in Colorado”
