Citing Lack of Testicle-Grabbing Production from Felix Pie, Cubs Sign Jim Edmonds
May 14, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Early Wednesday morning, the Chicago Cubs signed center fielder Jim Edmonds, who had been released just days earlier by the San Diego Padres. The move will displace youngster Felix Pie, who had finally started to put up solid numbers against right-handed pitching, and who plays excellent defense in center. So why would the Cubs sign the 37-year-old Edmonds to replace Pie?
We need more testicle grabbing, the Cubs say. Read more
Roger Clemens on Alleged Affair with 15 Year Old: “I would never bang a chick that ugly”
May 12, 2008
(Houston, TX) - Last week, the media was abuzz with allegations that pitcher Roger Clemens - already torn asunder by claims that he had used performance-enhancing drugs to achieve his success - had an affair with country singer Mindy McCready when she was just 15 years old. On Monday, Clemens finally responded. Read more
Running Low on Options, Mark Prior’s Doctors Recommend Emergency Episiotomy
May 11, 2008
(San Diego, CA) - The injury bug has struck former Chicago Cubs pitcher Mark Prior, and this time, it may just end his career. Prior began feeling shoulder discomfort earlier in the week, but after an examination by doctors on Sunday, everyone knew it was serious.
HIPAA laws prevent any of Prior’s doctors from going into detail about his injury, but San Diego Padres’ Chairman John Moores shared with reporters what he understood Prior’s injury to entail. Read more
Mel Kiper Placed in Induced Coma Until ESPN’s 2009 Draft Coverage Begins in August, 2008
May 9, 2008
(Bristol, CT) - Well the NFL draft has come and gone, and it brings excitement to football fans all across the country. But it brings joy to none more than ESPN analyst, Mel Kiper, Jr. Now that the draft, post-draft coverage, and post-post-draft coverage have concluded, what is Kiper to do until the draft next year? Report on the NFL offseason? College football spring practice, perhaps?
No. ESPN is placing Kiper in a medically-induced coma “for his own good,” ESPN says. Read more
3 versus 1 Celtics/Cavs Series Just Seems Unfair
May 8, 2008
(Boston, MA) - The NBA playoffs are in full swing, and the big matchup that everyone wants to see is finally taking place. The Cleveland Cavaliers versus the Boston Celtics. Lebron James versus the Celtic Three - Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen.
But is it really fair? Read more
White Sox Pitcher Almost Throws No-Hitter - Nation Still Watches Cubs
May 7, 2008
(Minneapolis, MN / Cincinnati, OH) - Last night, something incredibly exciting was happening in the baseball world. The Nation turned its eyes to watch something special - something it loved to see happen.
The Chicago Cubs shutout the Cincinnati Reds 3-0. Read more
Ozzie Guillen Uses Racial Epithet Against Self
May 6, 2008
(Toronto, CA) - Shortly before the White Sox faced the Toronto Blue Jays yesterday, Sox manager Ozzie Guillen launched into a profanity-laced tirade. In the tirade, Guillen took shots at Chicago Cubs fans, Chicago White Sox fans, the media, and even former Cubs manager Lee Elia’s infamous rant. Other than finding new and exciting ways to discuss horsepoop, Guillen’s tirade was pretty standard fair.
But it was what he said after the game that really had people buzzing. Read more
Ryan Theriot Euthanized After Failed Stolen Base Attempt
May 4, 2008
(St. Louis, MO) - Chicago Cubs Nation suffered a tragic loss yesterday when, following a failed stolen base attempt, shortstop Ryan Theriot had to be euthanized. The Cubs defeated the rival St. Louis Cardinals, though, so the day was ultimately a net plus. Read more
Lou Piniella Turns to Situational Lefty in the First Inning
May 3, 2008
(St. Louis, MO) - Shortly after losing an extra inning heartbreaker to the St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella was peppered with questions about a controversial decision he made in the first inning. With two outs, and before he’d given up a hit, Rich Hill was removed from the game. Why was the decision controversial?
Obviously because Piniella had decided to start the game with a situational left-handed reliever. Read more
Kerry Wood is a Closer in the Same Way that Kyra Sedgwick is a Closer
May 1, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Just three outs away from a series victory against probable NL Central primary rival this year, the Milwaukee Brewers, the Cubs turned to the man who is supposed to shut the door. The man who is supposed to clinch the win. The man who is supposed to close. Read more
Flashback Headlines
- NEWSBRIEF: Brett Favre Retires to Pursue Writing, Directing and No-Inflection Monotone Acting Career
- Lilly Pitch Hits Renteria - Psychic Friend Umpire Cleo Wolf Ejects Cubs
- Sammy Sosa Calls Mitchell Report “A Farce”; “I’m not even in there!”
- NEWSBRIEF: Eli Manning Seeks Approval from His Big Brother on Playoff Win, Peyton Gives Eli Super Bowl Ring Noogie
- Kerry Wood is a Closer in the Same Way that Kyra Sedgwick is a Closer
- Sammy Sosa on Comeback: “The steroids have really helped!”
- Aramis Ramirez Strains Knee - In Soviet Russia, Knee Strains Ramirez
- Lou Piniella Turns to Situational Lefty in the First Inning
- Tennis Vixen Anna Kournikova Loses Another Tournament; You Would Still Bang Her
- I Could Benchpress You
