Kerry Wood is a Closer in the Same Way that Kyra Sedgwick is a Closer
May 1, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Just three outs away from a series victory against probable NL Central primary rival this year, the Milwaukee Brewers, the Cubs turned to the man who is supposed to shut the door. The man who is supposed to clinch the win. The man who is supposed to close.
That man is Kerry Wood. And apparently, he was never fully apprised of his job description.
Fresh off allowing three runs in the top of the ninth inning to spoil an erstwhile one-run masterpiece by Carlos Zambrano, Kerry Wood hit the showers and had to answer a few questions about his performance.
“I don’t really understand what everyone is so angry about,” Wood said to irate fans and reporters after the game. “I am a closer, and I did my job.” When pressed on how he could possibly think that blowing a two-run lead against the Brewers would be considered “doing his job,” Wood seemed confused. It seems that until today, he was much more comfortable answering questions about his entrance music.
“I still don’t get it. I’m a great closer. I modeled my performance after the best closer I know. Hard-nosed, CIA trained special LAPD detective Brenda Leigh Johnson.”
Sidestepping the fact that even if Wood were going to choose a television character upon which to base his performance, he could certainly choose much better than a washed up actress from cable television drama, reporters scrambled to grasp just what Wood was trying to say. Did he truly not understand the difference between a Major League Baseball closer and a fictional television closer?
“All I’m saying is, I get results. I get answers. You all wanted to know who was going to sneak up on us in the middle of the night and steal the division, and now you’ve got your answer. The Brewers,” Wood declared with a smug glow of self-congratulation. “I am every bit the closer that Kyra Sedgwick is.”
Finally, the fans, reporters, and Wood were on the same page.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Kerry Wood did not say these things, and is obviously not any kind of closer – television actress or otherwise. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)