Ryan Theriot Euthanized After Failed Stolen Base Attempt

May 4, 2008

Cubs Ryan Theriot
(St. Louis, MO) – Chicago Cubs Nation suffered a tragic loss yesterday when, following a failed stolen base attempt, shortstop Ryan Theriot had to be euthanized. The Cubs defeated the rival St. Louis Cardinals, though, so the day was ultimately a net plus.

Theriot pulled up lame just a few feet short of second base in the fourth inning, and trainers knew something was wrong. “We saw him clutching his ankle, and he usually doesn’t get thrown out by quite that much, so yeah, we immediately feared the worst,” Cubs trainer Mark O’Neal said this morning. “It was a pretty seriously sprained ankle, we think. He was obviously in a lot of pain, and so a tough decision had to be made.”

The tough decision was to euthanize Theriot, there on the field, to put him out of his pain. “We knew some fans would question our decision, but it was the compassionate thing to do,” O’Neal continued. “The ankle was really swollen, I think. Really black and blue, although I suppose that could have been dirt. It was just a mess, probably. We just don’t have the technology to heal an injury like that.”

Asked if the team had simply considered taking Theriot out of the game or placing him on the disabled list, manager Lou Piniella was indignant. “Look, I’m the manager. I make the decisions. The boy was in a lot of pain, and nobody wants to have to make that decision [to put a player down],” Piniella said. “We did what we thought was the best for Ryan and the best for the Cubs. He played a valiant game, but players don’t just come back from an ankle sprain like that. They don’t run right, they don’t eat, you can’t get them to stand still while they heal. It was just a tough place to be in. I’m just glad I had my pistol.”

The scene was hauntingly reminiscent of an injury suffered at the Kentucky Derby just a few hours earlier by the second place finishing filly, Eight Belles. Eight Belles broke both of her front ankles in the stretch run, and was euthanized by injection following her collapse on the track.

The Cubs will have to carry on without Theriot today, and will also have to carry on without starting pitcher Rich Hill. Hill was also euthanized after a poor outting on Friday that saw him pitch only 2/3 of an inning. Hill was not believed to be injured, just really, really bad at pitching.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Ryan Theriot is alive and well. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


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