Ozzie Guillen Uses Racial Epithet Against Self
May 6, 2008
(Toronto, CA) – Shortly before the White Sox faced the Toronto Blue Jays yesterday, Sox manager Ozzie Guillen launched into a profanity-laced tirade. In the tirade, Guillen took shots at Chicago Cubs fans, Chicago White Sox fans, the media, and even former Cubs manager Lee Elia’s infamous rant. Other than finding new and exciting ways to discuss horsepoop, Guillen’s tirade was pretty standard fair.
But it was what he said after the game that really had people buzzing.Shortly after his White Sox dropped a 1-0 game to the Blue Jays, Guillen was back at it. This time Guillen – never one to shy away from a good racial or homophobic slur – set his angry sights on a new target: himself.
“I could sit here and [freaking] tell you that I managed a good game, but I was [poop],” Guillen angrily asserted after the game. “And I’m pretty [freaking] sick of my [poop]. I’m just a [racial epithet redacted]. I mean, we’re supposed to be the White Sox, you know. The White Sox. And here I am.”
The media were stunned at Guillen’s comments toward himself, but pressed.
“I’m serious. I’m no better than that [homophobic slur redacted] Jay Mariotti. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go make out with Kenny Williams to once again preserve my job.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Ozzie did not say these things…yet. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)