Ozzie Guillen Uses Racial Epithet Against Self

May 6, 2008

White Sox Ozzie Guillen aka Douchebag

(Toronto, CA) – Shortly before the White Sox faced the Toronto Blue Jays yesterday, Sox manager Ozzie Guillen launched into a profanity-laced tirade. In the tirade, Guillen took shots at Chicago Cubs fans, Chicago White Sox fans, the media, and even former Cubs manager Lee Elia’s infamous rant. Other than finding new and exciting ways to discuss horsepoop, Guillen’s tirade was pretty standard fair.

But it was what he said after the game that really had people buzzing.Shortly after his White Sox dropped a 1-0 game to the Blue Jays, Guillen was back at it. This time Guillen – never one to shy away from a good racial or homophobic slur – set his angry sights on a new target: himself.

“I could sit here and [freaking] tell you that I managed a good game, but I was [poop],” Guillen angrily asserted after the game. “And I’m pretty [freaking] sick of my [poop]. I’m just a [racial epithet redacted]. I mean, we’re supposed to be the White Sox, you know. The White Sox. And here I am.”

The media were stunned at Guillen’s comments toward himself, but pressed.

“I’m serious. I’m no better than that [homophobic slur redacted] Jay Mariotti. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go make out with Kenny Williams to once again preserve my job.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Ozzie did not say these things…yet. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


8 Responses to “Ozzie Guillen Uses Racial Epithet Against Self”

  1. The 5-Minute Superfan | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Humor and Sports Parody News on June 22nd, 2008 11:43 am

    [...] comparing Lou Piniella and Ozzie Guillen. It makes Ozzie look like a lovable card and not the Ozzie he really is. We also receive good news from Carlos Zambrano’s MRI results: no tear in any of the [...]

  2. All Star Game Determines World Series Home-Field Advantage - Board Game Determines ALCS Home-Field | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Humor, Sports Parody News, and Cubs Blog on July 17th, 2008 7:43 am

    [...] [freaking] Monopoly or Shoots and Ladders?” White Sox manager and AL Central representative Ozzie Guillen said. “I’m pretty sure [MLB Commissioner] Bud Selig just ran out and grabbed the first [...]

  3. Chicago White Sox Distribute Etiquette Books to Fans | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Jokes, Sports Parody News, and Blog on August 9th, 2008 9:09 am

    [...] Please do not ceaselessly shout racial and sexual epithets that mask your own insecurities about gender identity and sexuality. Note that this instruction is mostly for manager Ozzie Guillen. [...]

  4. In Shocking Sportscenter Interview, Barack Obama Reveals that He’s Retarded | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Jokes, Sports Parody News, and Blog on August 26th, 2008 7:40 am

    [...] think it’s [freaking] great,” White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said. “I kind of wish he wasn’t a minority, but it’s good [...]

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