Mel Kiper Placed in Induced Coma Until ESPN’s 2009 Draft Coverage Begins in August, 2008
May 9, 2008
(Bristol, CT) – Well the NFL draft has come and gone, and it brings excitement to football fans all across the country. But it brings joy to none more than ESPN analyst, Mel Kiper, Jr. Now that the draft, post-draft coverage, and post-post-draft coverage have concluded, what is Kiper to do until the draft next year? Report on the NFL offseason? College football spring practice, perhaps?
No. ESPN is placing Kiper in a medically-induced coma “for his own good,” ESPN says.
“The NFL draft is like oxygen to Mel,” ESPN director of programming Ed Hersche said earlier this week. “Without any draft coverage going on right now, Mel is a danger to himself and others. Last week when he suggested that [ESPN NFL analyst] John Clayton have him on Clayton’s NFL segmet on Sportscenter to debate the later rounds of the draft, and Clayton declined, Mel really laid into Clayton’s face. Thank God that John Clayton is already a goofy looking f*ck, or we’d really have problems.”
“But don’t worry, Mel Kiper fans. Mel will be back in all his pseudo-hostile glory when ESPN’s regular, round the clock 2009 NFL draft coverage begins in August. We thought about doing it year-round for Mel, but we don’t want to overdo it.”
So how does Kiper feel about the life-threatening procedure? “Living without the draft is more life-threatening,” Kiper said as he was laid out to begin the coma process. “Besides, being on the other side of darkness for a few months will give me time to begin work on my next big draft board: the 2019 NFL draft.”
“Jake Long was a good start, but the Dolphins still need to revamp their offensive line. That’s why I’ve got them targeting Timmy Shales out of Porterback Elementary School,” Kiper said. “He’s relatively svelt now, but he’s a big Ho-Ho fan, so they’re hoping he really gets fat.”
“That reminds me of Glenn Dorsey. I think Dorsey slipped too far in the first round. You’ve got to understand that teams like the…” at that point Kiper’s doctors quickly increased the drip in his IV to “shut him the hell up.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Mel will stay conscious for the next few months, and ESPN’s 2009 draft coverage doesn’t begin in August – that would be ridiculous. It begins in September. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)