Running Low on Options, Mark Prior’s Doctors Recommend Emergency Episiotomy

May 11, 2008

Cubs Mark Prior Padres Injury

(San Diego, CA) – The injury bug has struck former Chicago Cubs pitcher Mark Prior, and this time, it may just end his career. Prior began feeling shoulder discomfort earlier in the week, but after an examination by doctors on Sunday, everyone knew it was serious.

HIPAA laws prevent any of Prior’s doctors from going into detail about his injury, but San Diego Padres’ Chairman John Moores shared with reporters what he understood Prior’s injury to entail.

“As you know, we were excited to sign Mark in the offseason in the hopes that he could rehab and join our rotation. But it’s looking like that is never going to happen,” Moores confessed. “Mark has a very serious tear in his right, throwing labia. And it’s getting worse.”

As the day wore on, Moores explained, and it became clear that that Prior’s injury was not getting any better with traditional methods, his doctors made the difficult decision to recommend something more drastic: an episiotomy.

“The way I understand it, it is an emergency procedure, some kind of incision, to alleviate the damage he is suffering as his labia continues to tear,” Moores continued. “I do know that the doctors did not want to have to take it to this extreme level, because they feared it would exacerbate a pre-existing condition involving some sand he had gotten in there after a recent beach trip.”

So what does the future hold for Prior and the Padres after the emergency procedure, and yet another injury that, by its very nature, questions his manhood and toughness.

“Unfortunately, we don’t know if Mark or his labia are ever going to be the same,” Moores said Sunday. After an assistant approached Moore for a brief discussion, he finally corrected himself slightly.

“Labrum, of course. I mean labrum. Labrum’s in the shoulder, right? That’s what I meant all along. I wonder what the hell his doctors have been doing to him? I knew I should have been suspicious when they put Prior on a battery of estrogen treatments for tendenitis. Great rack, though.”

Ultimately, the future is murky for Prior. But at worst, he can always return to his old team: at McDonalds.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Mark Prior does not have any labia, let alone any injured labia. Just a vajayjay. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


4 Responses to “Running Low on Options, Mark Prior’s Doctors Recommend Emergency Episiotomy”

  1. moores beach on May 17th, 2008 8:29 pm

    [...] discomfort earlier in the week, but after an examination by doctors on Sunday, everyone knew it…North Palm Beach County crime report: May 4, 2008 The Jupiter CourierResidents and visitors to the [...]

  2. Prior Undergoes Shoulder Surgery - McDonald’s Transfers Him from 15-day to 60-day Disabled List | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Humor, Sports Parody News, and Cubs Blog on July 12th, 2008 9:59 am

    [...] the news is not all good for Prior and the McDonald’s franchise. Wednesday morning, Prior underwent exploratory surgery in his right shoulder where a slight tear in his labrum was discovered. “All I’ve been [...]

  3. Cubs Plan to Trade for Jake Peavy, Somehow Come Home with Mark Prior | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Jokes, Sports Parody News, and Blog on November 8th, 2008 12:22 pm

    [...] the former Cub and former able pitcher, had nominally been with the Padres last year before continued injuries prevented him from actually ever pitching. Nobody really knew where he was anymore, but somehow Jim [...]

  4. acireef on May 5th, 2009 7:26 pm

    now I’ll stay tuned..

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