Citing Lack of Testicle-Grabbing Production from Felix Pie, Cubs Sign Jim Edmonds
May 14, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Early Wednesday morning, the Chicago Cubs signed center fielder Jim Edmonds, who had been released just days earlier by the San Diego Padres. The move will displace youngster Felix Pie, who had finally started to put up solid numbers against right-handed pitching, and who plays excellent defense in center. So why would the Cubs sign the 37-year-old Edmonds to replace Pie?
We need more testicle grabbing, the Cubs say.With that backdrop, the move becomes more understandable. Throughout Edmonds’ career, he has been known for two things: spectacular, totally necessary dives for catches, and firmly grasping teammates’ junk (pictured left). “We have been very pleased, overall, with the team’s performance,” Cubs GM Jim Hendry said Wednesday. “But it’s the time of year that you start looking over your pieces, and figure out how you can tweak, and improve a little. And although our power numbers and walks and runs have been very solid, our testicle-grabbing production has been at the bottom of the league. You typically look for testicle-grabbing production out of center field, and we just feel like it hasn’t been there for us this year. So we’re going to give Jim Edmonds a try.”
Indeed the Cubs have been in the bottom third of the league in testicle grabbing the last five seasons. That, of course, is partially excused by Michael Barrett’s presence during that time, as Barrett left the team with one fewer testicle to grab.
But are the Cubs being too hasty with Felix Pie? Afterall, Pie has a history of success when it comes to testicle twisting.
“It’s a tough decision, no doubt,” Hendry said. “Felix brings some great things to the table, and if we were looking for just testicle twisting, or thought we could afford to allow him to develop his testicle twisting skills into testicle grabbing skills, we would probably be a little more patient with Pie. But we’re in a pennant race here.”
Cubs manager Lou Piniella was more direct. “Pie is a selfish player, plain and simple. He is a guy that is willing to twist his own testicle, but won’t step up when the team needs him, and grab another crotch. That’s why we need a guy like Jim Edmonds. Edmonds understands the team concept, and if you need him to tug on a coinpurse, damnit, he’ll do it.”
In the meantime, the Cubs will demote Felix Pie to AAA Iowa to work on his plate discipline, and to try and refocus his attention on teammates’ testicles.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Although the Cubs are set to sign Jim Edmonds, it’s probably not related to his penchant for ball-squeezin’. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)