Citing Lack of Testicle-Grabbing Production from Felix Pie, Cubs Sign Jim Edmonds

May 14, 2008

Jim Edmonds Grabs Crotch Balls

(Chicago, IL) – Early Wednesday morning, the Chicago Cubs signed center fielder Jim Edmonds, who had been released just days earlier by the San Diego Padres. The move will displace youngster Felix Pie, who had finally started to put up solid numbers against right-handed pitching, and who plays excellent defense in center. So why would the Cubs sign the 37-year-old Edmonds to replace Pie?

We need more testicle grabbing, the Cubs say.With that backdrop, the move becomes more understandable. Throughout Edmonds’ career, he has been known for two things: spectacular, totally necessary dives for catches, and firmly grasping teammates’ junk (pictured left). “We have been very pleased, overall, with the team’s performance,” Cubs GM Jim Hendry said Wednesday. “But it’s the time of year that you start looking over your pieces, and figure out how you can tweak, and improve a little. And although our power numbers and walks and runs have been very solid, our testicle-grabbing production has been at the bottom of the league. You typically look for testicle-grabbing production out of center field, and we just feel like it hasn’t been there for us this year. So we’re going to give Jim Edmonds a try.”

Indeed the Cubs have been in the bottom third of the league in testicle grabbing the last five seasons. That, of course, is partially excused by Michael Barrett’s presence during that time, as Barrett left the team with one fewer testicle to grab.

But are the Cubs being too hasty with Felix Pie? Afterall, Pie has a history of success when it comes to testicle twisting.

“It’s a tough decision, no doubt,” Hendry said. “Felix brings some great things to the table, and if we were looking for just testicle twisting, or thought we could afford to allow him to develop his testicle twisting skills into testicle grabbing skills, we would probably be a little more patient with Pie. But we’re in a pennant race here.”

Cubs manager Lou Piniella was more direct. “Pie is a selfish player, plain and simple. He is a guy that is willing to twist his own testicle, but won’t step up when the team needs him, and grab another crotch. That’s why we need a guy like Jim Edmonds. Edmonds understands the team concept, and if you need him to tug on a coinpurse, damnit, he’ll do it.”

In the meantime, the Cubs will demote Felix Pie to AAA Iowa to work on his plate discipline, and to try and refocus his attention on teammates’ testicles.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Although the Cubs are set to sign Jim Edmonds, it’s probably not related to his penchant for ball-squeezin’. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


13 Responses to “Citing Lack of Testicle-Grabbing Production from Felix Pie, Cubs Sign Jim Edmonds”

  1. Clapp on May 15th, 2008 12:03 am

    LOL. And that picture will never get old… but can we still make fun of him as much now?
    Excellent and hilarious blog Ace. You should plug this particular blog like crazy because every Cubs fan out there should definitely get a laugh out of it.

  2. Clapp on May 15th, 2008 12:05 am

    Article, I meant article. You guys are past just being a blog now…unlike some of us out there.

  3. Gregster on May 15th, 2008 12:18 pm

    Great article Ace I don’t like the signing of this guy at all keep up the great work!

  4. Link Love on May 15th, 2008 7:00 pm

    [...] The Cubs Brickyard reports on how the Chicago Cubs are working on grabbing the game by the… [...]

  5. j 5 or j5 cub on May 27th, 2008 12:51 am

    [...] news article about the Chicago Cubs signing of Jim Edmonds, and the real reason behind the move.…Photos: Piper J-5 HE-1 Cub Cruiser Aircraft Pictures Airliners.netN68490 / 30253 cn 5-1456 [...]

  6. Jim Edmonds Skips Thursday’s Game Against Rockies to Watch LOST Finale - Teammates Don’t Really Mind | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Humor and Sports Parody News on May 30th, 2008 7:43 am

    [...] (Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs’ new center fielder and former enemy number one Jim Edmonds skipped last night’s series opener against the Colorado Rockies. Was he nursing a sore back, or taking a day off to clear his mind after his pathetic start with the Cubs? It would make sense, given his lack of production. [...]

  7. chicago cubs on May 30th, 2008 7:05 pm

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  8. The 5-Minute Superfan: June 1, 2008 | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Humor and Sports Parody News on June 1st, 2008 9:52 am

    [...] Friday, May 30 – Cubs stage an unbelievable comeback to beat the Rockies 10-9 – the team’s 4th straight come back win. The Cubs were down 8-0 early, but came back late – despite manager Lou Piniella (rightfully) yanking Derrek Lee and catcher Geovanny Soto when the game was seemingly out of reach, and resting shortstop Ryan Theriot and third baseman Aramis Ramirez from the start. Center fielder / hated former Cardinal Jim Edmonds finally had a good game for the Cubs. Still not seeing the production from Edmonds that the Cubs had hoped. [...]

  9. Michael Phelps Wins Record-Breaking Eight Gold Medals, but Has to Shave Arms to Do It | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Jokes, Sports Parody News, and Blog on September 5th, 2008 7:43 pm

    [...] Sure, he could probably get any woman he wants now, and could probably beat me up with his left pinky. But any self-respecting man knows that the only acceptable place to shave is the face, and maybe the coinpurse for a special occasion. Though if you shave that area, beware of Jim Edmonds’ grabby hands. [...]

  10. Noah Stokes on November 12th, 2008 5:21 pm


  11. Abe on March 28th, 2010 7:51 am

    cubs SUCK! Go CARDINALS!!!!!

  12. hmmm on April 4th, 2010 11:27 pm

    who is jim grabbing in this pic?

  13. Chris McBrien on June 10th, 2011 10:19 pm

    Too funny. I linked a post to this article. Made me chuckle. Keep them coming!

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