Barry Melrose Tells Family He Works for ESPN, Leaves it at That
May 16, 2008
(Bristol, CT) – Barry Melrose is known to hockey fans as ESPN’s voice of the NHL. Barry Melrose is known to everyone else as that slightly creepy guy with greasy hair and an uncomfortable goatee.
It seems that the distinction is true even in Melrose’s inner circle of friends and family. This has been made noticeable because Melrose is too embarrassed to tell his loved ones that he is a hockey analyst.As the Stanley Cup Playoffs roar on – that’s right, they’re going on right now – one would think that Barry Melrose would be shouting loud and proud that he is the main man at ESPN when it comes to NHL hockey. But at a family reunion earlier this week, Melrose was reticent to fully explicate the parameters of his employment with ESPN. He was heard to remark several times that he works at ESPN, without elaboration. Sometimes going as far as to say in response to questions about hockey that he “does a lot of different things for ESPN.”
“So I didn’t go into details, eh,” Melrose said. “What’s the big deal? I do work for ESPN. I didn’t think they would be interested in the exact nature of my work. I’m not saying I’m ashamed of it, it’s just not very sexy. At least not as sexy as my slick mane. Or as sexy as my ESPN co-worker Erin Andrews.
“Look, I love hockey. But I understand that it’s not for everyone. I love the hits, the two-line passes, assists, the hat tricks, the pacing, the glove saves… hey! Where are you going?!”
Melrose says he has begun studying up on American football in hopes for inclusion this fall in ESPN’s NFL coverage so that he can more proudly share what he does with his family at next year’s reunion.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We’re sure Barry is proud of his hockey coverage. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)