Alfonso Soriano Absolutely on Fire This Week – Still Very, Very Ugly Sources Say

May 18, 2008

Cubs Sign Alfonso Soriano

(Chicago, IL) – Cubs fans have watched over the past two years as outfielder Alfonso Soriano went through his peaks and his valleys. When Soriano is hot, there is no better player in all of baseball. When Soriano is cold, fans would rather see the reincarnation of Neifi Perez at the plate than Soriano. This season has been no exception. Soriano started out the season in a profound and deep funk. But this past week, Soriano has completely turned it around, and been hotter than perhaps he’s ever been: in his last seven games, he has 15 hits, seven home runs, 13 RBI, and is sporting a ridiculous .536 average. Suffice it to say, Soriano’s performance swings wildly and unpredictably from highs to lows.

But there has always been one constant with Alfonso Soriano: he is always very, very ugly.Many of Major League Baseball’s superstars are nearly as well known for their spectacular looks – think Derek Jeter or Alex Rodriguez – as they are for their spectacular plays. Apparently this is not the case for Soriano.

Sources in the Cubs clubhouse have confirmed what has long been suspected of Soriano from afar: he is ugly. Very ugly. Great baseball player, hideous man. His face – one that only a mother could love, and barely – has been described by some as “horsetastic.”

One Cubs player, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: “He is not a pretty dude. And I’m not one to shy away from a good, long, uncomfortable stare in the shower, but every time I pan past Soriano, I have to avert my gaze like I’ve stared into the sun. A really, really fugly sun.”

Many Cubs who resent the unpredictable nature of Soriano’s play have come to appreciate the consistency with which he is ugly. “On the days when he strikes out four times at the plate,” our anonymous Cubs source continued, “I just have to remind myself that at least he’s gonna strike out four or five times at the club later that night. He’s like the world’s best ugly wingman that way.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Let’s see, which parts of this are false? Um, well, at least the quotes are made up. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Comments

4 Responses to “Alfonso Soriano Absolutely on Fire This Week – Still Very, Very Ugly Sources Say”

  1. Clapp on May 19th, 2008 7:52 am

    One Cubs player, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: “He is not a pretty dude. And I’m not one to shy away from a good, long, uncomfortable stare in the shower, but every time I pan past Soriano, I have to avert my gaze like I’ve stared into the sun. A really, really fugly sun.”

    1:4 Mark DeRosa
    8:1 Scott Eyre
    56:1 Ronny Cedeno

  2. Ace on May 19th, 2008 8:15 am

    Haha! Nice, Clapp. Initially, my gut told me Dempster, but DeRosa is a pretty solid guess.

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