Anonymous Cancer Survivor Throws No-Hitter for Red Sox
May 20, 2008
(Boston, MA) – Last night, something truly special happened. A pitcher for the Boston Red Sox threw a no-hitter against the Kansas City Royals. But not just any pitcher. The pitcher was a cancer survivor. We aren’t entirely sure of his name based on ESPN’s coverage, but we do know that he first beat cancer, and then threw a no-hitter. And that’s pretty incredible.
“It’s pretty incredible, if you are asking me,” ESPN baseball commentator Joe Morgan spit out in a garbled mess. “For that cancer survivor to come back and be thrown a no-hitter and throw it is something special for us all we to see.”
But who is the mystery pitcher?
ESPN would not release his name, though early speculation indicates that it was probably either Josh Beckett or Daiske Matsuzaka, as they are the only Red Sox pitchers given extensive coverage on ESPN.
“I’m just glad the cancer survivor pitches for the Red Sox,” ESPN’s Peter Gammons said. “Otherwise, no one would have given a shit. Well, I mean, I know I wouldn’t have. And none of you would have heard about it, because we wouldn’t have reported it.”
When reporters learned that the pitcher was left-handed, some questioned whether the anonymous pitcher might actually be the New York Mets’ Johan Santana. Such speculation was quickly squashed by ESPN for two reasons: 1.) They were certain the pitcher played for the Red Sox and not the Mets, and 2.) Had it been Santana, ESPN not only would have reported his name, but also would have absolutely beaten the story to death with a shovel.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. All right, so ESPN may have said Jon Lester’s name once or twice. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)