Cubs End Chad Fox Experiment – Kill Chad Fox
May 21, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Cubs have made a roster move that will shake up the bullpen a bit, removing Chad Fox and calling up Jose Ascanio. Fox, 37, was on his second go-around with the Cubs. He last pitched in the major leagues three years ago for the team – he wasn’t particularly good then, sporting a 6.75 ERA – and after a poor start this year, the Cubs have decided to pull the plug on Fox.
Literally.“Earlier today, we let Chad Fox go,” Chicago Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry read from a prepared statement Tuesday. “He was in a lot of pain in his elbow, and in his pride. So we made the difficult decision to put him down the most painless and peaceful way we knew how, smothering him to death with a handful of rosin bags.”
This is the second time in just a month that the Cubs have been forced to put one of their own down. Earlier, following a vicious ankle sprain, the Cubs made the difficult decision to euthanize shortstop Ryan Theriot.
After completing his statement, Hendry opened things up for questions about the controversial decision. “Yes, it was a difficult decision,” Hendry said. “Heck, it was a difficult decision to bring him back in the first place. I mean we knew all along that if things didn’t work out, we were going to have to kill him eventually. But ultimately, we’re nothing if not humane.”
“Sure, I guess technically we could have placed him on the disabled list,” Hendry responded to another question. “But as we learned last year with Henry Blanco, that would have implied that Fox was ever ‘abled’ in the first place. I mean maybe if there was a 1,000 day disabled list, we would have considered it.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Ok, ok, so the Cubs didn’t really kill Chad Fox, they just DL’d him. And everyone sighed. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)