Belmont Stakes: A Triple Crown Winner or a Horse Dies, or Your Money Back!
May 23, 2008
(Elmont, NY) – The Belmont Stakes, the third leg of the throroughbred Triple Crown following the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness Stakes, is held annually in Elmont, New York. Interest in the event, outside of the horse racing world, it often tempered unless a horse has already won the first two legs of the Triple Crown. Fortunately for organizers of the race, taking place June 7th this year, the horse Big Brown won the Derby and then also the Preakness. Instantly, the event was transformed into “the Belmont Stakes” from “that horsey race that nobody gives a shit about.”
But they want you to know that’s not the only reason to get excited about the Belmont Stakes this year.
“We’re all incredibly excited to see Big Brown go for a Triple Crown. Something not seen since Affirmed in 1978,” Belmont Stakes chairman Wayne Thibidault said this week. “But there is so much more to be excited about this year. It’s been an exciting racing season, and we want to capitalize on it. So we’re telling people: come, watch the Stakes. If you don’t see a Triple Crown winner, or you don’t see a horse die, we’ll give you back the price of admission.”
“Maybe Big Brown will win. Maybe his heart will explode. You just don’t know. It’s the suspense that keeps it exciting.”
If the promotion is successful, organizers are considering future events, should there not be a Triple Crown contender. “We would like to figure out a way to get the jockeys more involved. Something involving a trampling, or maybe let fans whip them. I don’t know, we haven’t totally thought it through yet,” Thibidault said. “We just know that whatever it is, it will be totally humane, and we’ll treat the jockeys just like they were regular people. We got to keep PETA out of things.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one would ever run such a promotion. It would probably lose money. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)