Sexy Woman Named Danica Patrick Able to Drive
May 24, 2008
(Indianapolis, IN) – Thousands will flock this Memorial Day weekend to Indianapolis, Indiana to watch racing’s biggest event: The Indianapolis 500. But perhaps the larger story is the ever-increasing popularity of one of the drivers.
Danica Patrick – as well known for her sexy physique and stunning looks as her sport – is a tremendous success story, and it is no surprise that fans have been drawn to her. But that doesn’t mean her story isn’t full of surprises.
Danica Patrick was born in Beloit, Wisconsin in 1982 with driving in her blood. Clearly a prodigy, she showed an aptitude for successful driving when she was licensed by the state to drive an automobile at the unprecidented age of 16.
“I didn’t really think of myself as different,” Patrick recalls. “I just knew that if pressed on the right pedal the car would go, and the left would make it stop. And the wheel was for turning. It all just made sense to me.”
And Patrick did not stop there. Though stop signs, parallel parking, turn signals, traffic lights, assured distance, speed limits, and paying attention while driving were never her strong suits, Patrick was able to particpate in a sport where none of those concerns could cause her any problems.
“I started racing at a very young age,” Patrick said. “I didn’t really win much, but I always looked good. Putting on makeup while taking sharp turns going 150 miles per hour isn’t easy, and usually I didn’t crash.”
It wasn’t long before the Indy Racing League – the pinnacle of what a driver can accomplish – came calling for Danica Patrick. “I knew we wanted her from the moment I saw her,” League chairman Petros Stauck revealed earlier this week. “I mean look at her. We initially recruited her to be one of those sexy babes who holds up signs in the pit area in a bikini. But then I saw her in a parking lot get into a car on the freaking driver’s side. I thought to myself, ‘how cute, she’s confused.’ But then all of the sudden, the car starts, and it pulls away! Without hitting more than a couple other cars’ bumpers!”
Patrick’s leaguemates agree that her story is impressive. “The really amazing part here is not that she is able to successfully compete in the Indy Racing League,” fellow racer Marco Andretti said, “it’s the fact that she’s able to drive an automobile at all. Similarly, the fact that she’s a sexy woman doesn’t make it more surprising, it’s just the fact that she’s a woman at all. Did I mention that I’m single, by the way?”
Patrick will take the wheel on Sunday at the Indy 500, and who knows what will happen. Maybe her surprising story will taken another unexpected turn, and she will be rewarded with her greatest victory yet. But maybe, just maybe, she’s already achieved more success than anyone could have expected.
She has nice boobs. Not as nice as Erin Andrews’ body, though.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We would NEVER lower ourselves to such a level as to make women driver jokes. That’s lame. But we would find any excuse possible to post pictures of Danica Patrick. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)