Soriano Hits Two-Run Homer Early so We Can’t Call Him a Ridiculotard for Dropped Fly Ball Late
May 25, 2008
(Pittsburgh, PA) – The Cubs wrapped up their weekend series in Pittsburgh against the Pirates with back-to-back crushing, extra inning defeats. Each game was in hand for the Cubs in the ninth, each game was blown that inning, and each game was won by a Jason Bay walk off single. The blame went to closer Kerry Wood for Saturday’s loss, but today, fans turned their ire toward left fielder Alfonso Soriano.
Soriano dropped an easy one-out fly ball in the 9th, which allowed the tying run to score. The Pirates went on to win in the 11th. But we probably can’t say anything, because Soriano homered earlier in the game.Soriano hit a two-run homer in the third inning, which gave the Cubs a 3-2 lead at the time. Soriano indicated shortly after the game that the homer was intentional – he knew that he would later massively f things up. It is his M.O.
“Look, I know why you’re all angry at me, but you can’t say nothing,” a hostile Soriano shouted at reporters. “I hit that homer in the third, so you can’t criticize me for the dropped ball thing.”
“I knew eventually I would screw up and lose the game, either with a flub in the field or by striking out late on three pitches no one else in the league would swing at,” Soriano explained. “So I was smart. I hit a homer early, and now no one can rip on me for dropping a fly ball that any kindergarten tee-ball player could have caught.”
“That crafty bastard,” angry Cubs manager Lou Piniella screamed after the game. “I want to tear into him for being such a lazy, crappy, ridiculotarded fielder. But I can’t. Because he hit that damn home run.”
Piniella also lamented that he couldn’t scream at Soriano for a terrible attempt on a fly ball in the first inning that hit the top of the wall, and bounced back into play. The ball was called a home run, though instant replay clearly indicated otherwise. Frustratingly, replay also indicated that Alfonso Soriano may just be the worst left fielder in the universe, except when he’s throwing. (ed. note: this was before MLB had officially sanctioned use of instant replay, of course)
The Cubs reportedly will begin shifting Ryan Theriot into a very, very deep shortstop position so that he can catch all fly balls to left field, and then toss the ball – softly – to Alfonso Soriano to throw back in. An alternative plan involves punching Soriano in the face before each at bat, greatly restricting his ability to hit home runs. Then, all fielding-related criticism can be safely lobbed in his direction. Just don’t expect him to catch any of it.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We’re sure Soriano didn’t plan things this way. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)