Former Chicago Cubs Pitcher Loses Millisecond-Long Battle with Lightning Bolt
May 26, 2008
Editor’s Note: What happened to Geremi Gonzalez was truly a tragedy. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his friends and family. Humor is how some of us grieve.
(Caracas, Venezuela) – A former pitcher for the Chicago Cubs passed away yesterday in Venezuela. Geremi Gonzalez, 33, pitched in 131 Major League games, compiling 30 wins – 11 of which came for the Cubs in 1997.
Gonzalez died after being struck by a lightning bolt – an affliction he had suffered with for nanoseconds. Friends say that Gonzalez hid the ailment well, and never discussed it. “We never even knew about it until he had already passed,” a neighbor shared. “He fought the good fight, but in the end, the lightning won. A split second is just too long for anyone to suffer with something like that.”
When reached for comment on Gonzalez’s passing, Chicago Cubs GM Jim Hendry was obviously unprepared. “Well, we’re really shocked by the news… er, I mean stunned. Stunned. It’s just something that really knocks you on your ass… crap! I mean, I just mean, we’re sad. And we’re praying for his friends and family. Whew. There.”
Gonzalez last pitched in the Major Leagues with the Toronto Blue Jays in 2006, before being released in Spring Training last year. The Blue Jays reportedly now feel terrible for releasing Gonzalez. And they should.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Again, Gonzalez’s death is truly sad, and this humor – NOT at his expense – is just a way of getting past the news. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)