Jim Edmonds Skips Thursday’s Game Against Rockies to Watch LOST Finale – Teammates Don’t Really Mind

May 30, 2008

Jim Edmonds is a Man and a Little Gay

(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs’ new center fielder and former enemy number one Jim Edmonds skipped last night’s series opener against the Colorado Rockies. Was he nursing a sore back, or taking a day off to clear his mind after his pathetic start with the Cubs? It would make sense, given his lack of production.

No, he was hanging back in his Chicago condo so that he could watch the LOST season finale. And his teammates were pretty ok with it.

“I guess under normal circumstances, you’d be pretty upset to see a teammate skip a game for a TV show,” Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee said. “But Jim is pretty much the suckiest suck that ever sucked, so we’re all fine with it. In fact, we’re going to get together and buy him the dvds for the first two seasons of Heroes, and hope he gets sucked into that this summer.”

So why did Edmonds do it?

“I mean, this is LOST for crying out loud. It was a two hour season finale!” Edmonds exclaimed. “That’s two hours of mystery, suspense, action and intrigue. How could I miss that? Sure, I don’t have the foggiest idea of what’s going on – I’m starting to think there’s something unusual about this island they’re on – but I really like Jack’s thighs… er, I mean Kate’s boobs.”

To the extent Jim Edmonds really did want to stare at Evangeline Lilly’s hot body, obviously no one could blame him.

When asked why he didn’t simply Tivo the show, Edmonds replied that he “doesn’t like that voodoo,” and remarked that pausing and rewinding live TV is “the devil’s magic.”

And how about his thoughts on the landmark season four finale of LOST? “It was pretty awesome. Lots of excellent violence. We finally found out that the survivors got to the island by airplane, and Desmond found some mystery girl named Nickel.”

“Oh, oh, oh. And how about finally finding out who was in the coffin? I was convinced it was going to be Hurley’s dad. Cheech is hilarious. But the whole moving the island thing, whatever. That’s not really a big deal. I mean, it’s just floating there, so how hard could it be to move it?” Edmonds concluded by sharing that he’s “very excited” to find out who this “brand new guy Jeremy Bentham” is. Indeed.

The Cubs return to action Friday against the Rockies, but Edmonds and his antics will reportedly also miss that game, as he will be attending the Chicago premier of the Sex and the City Movie.

In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Edmonds actually missed the game because the Cubs were facing a lefty starter. And as bad as he is against righties now, can you really imagine how bad he would be against a lefty? No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.

Comments

8 Responses to “Jim Edmonds Skips Thursday’s Game Against Rockies to Watch LOST Finale – Teammates Don’t Really Mind”

  1. chicago cubs | Lasts information on May 30th, 2008 7:10 pm

    [...] Jim Edmonds Skips Thursday’s Game Against Rockies to Watch LOST …(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs’ new center fielder and former enemy number one Jim Edmonds skipped last night’s series opener against the Colorado Rockies. Was he nursing a sore back, or taking a day off to clear his mind after his …The Cubs Brickyard – Chicago Cubs Humor… – http://www.thecubsbrickyard.com [...]

  2. chicago cubs | Hottags on May 30th, 2008 7:10 pm

    [...] Jim Edmonds Skips Thursday’s Game Against Rockies to Watch LOST …(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs’ new center fielder and former enemy number one Jim Edmonds skipped last night’s series opener against the Colorado Rockies. Was he nursing a sore back, or taking a day off to clear his mind after his …The Cubs Brickyard – Chicago Cubs Humor… – http://www.thecubsbrickyard.com [...]

  3. redbirdfan on June 24th, 2008 3:36 pm

    edmonds rocks and he is helping the cubs
    and cub fans that think other wise go screw yourself
    or check his records he is a good player

  4. Ace on June 24th, 2008 10:03 pm

    In our defense, this article was written over 3 weeks ago. Edmonds was still relatively sucky back then. But yes, we must admit he’s been quite good since then, and we’ve said as much in the most recent 5-Minute Superfan.

  5. adam on October 17th, 2008 2:56 pm

    this all bs jim edmonds was obiously hurt he is the best center fielder ever who ever made this is just jealus because he is amazing

  6. Ace on October 17th, 2008 5:54 pm

    I… agree?

  7. mcgees.org on November 16th, 2010 1:27 am

    Thought I’d announce my superpower here. I can see every time someone reads this article, and tons of details about his or her! Bwahaha!

    That’s because … er … you leech my bandwidth for one of the Evangeline Lilly pictures. ;^p

    (The writing is clever, and were I to follow the Cubs, or indeed MLB in general, I’d probably read it. How’s that for faint praise?)

  8. Ace on November 17th, 2010 8:31 pm

    Dang, my bad. I remedied that issue. And I suck for it.

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