Carlos Zambrano Beats San Diego Padres, Michael Barrett with Bat
June 3, 2008
(San Diego, CA) – The Chicago Cubs kept their hot streak going, defeating the San Diego Padres last night in Petco Park 7-6. Carlos Zambrano started for the Cubs, and it pitted him against Padre catcher and former teammate Michael Barrett for the first time since the two got into a much-publicized fight last year. Following the fight – in which Zambrano reportedly beat Barrett silly – and other illicit escapades, Barrett was shipped off to San Diego.
It seems Zambrano once again got the best of Barrett last night. Before, during, and after the game.
Perhaps anticipating there might still be bad blood, Barrett approached Zambrano before the game with a peace offering, as a nerd approaches a bully before school hoping to avoid the inevitable swirlie. Witnesses say that Barrett offered Zambrano “three or four” boxes of Twinkies, and pleaded with Zambrano to “take them and leave [him] alone.” Zambrano apparently smiled with his crazy eyes, and walked away.
During the game, Zambrano smacked three hits for the Cubs, including a game-tying RBI triple. He also had his way with Barrett, striking him out twice, and staring him down at the plate. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, it was the first time that a Major League player had literally crapped his pants at the plate.
But after the game was where Zambrano really made Barrett feel the pain. The pain being the receiving end of a Louisville Slugger. Zambrano reportedly found Barrett outside of the Padre clubhouse, and shrieked in maniacal broken English that “first I beat your team with my bat, now I beat you with bat! Taste the wood, monster!” At that point, Zambrano proceeded to beat Michael Barrett like a pinata he thought was full of delicious Venezuelan candy.
No one knows what is in store for the next time the two face each other. Was this just “getting even” for Zambrano? Does Barrett have the ball to try and get back at Zambrano? Only time will tell.
In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The two didn’t actually get into a scrape after or during the game. And everyone was quietly a little disappointed. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.