Big Brown to Change Name to Something Less Reminiscent of a Large Turd
June 4, 2008
(Elmont, NY) – In just a few days, all eyes will converge on Belmont Park for the 140th running of the Belmont Stakes. Big Brown will attempt to become the first horse to win the Triple Crown since Affirmed pulled off the feat exactly 30 years ago. You would think that under such momentous circumstances, Big Brown would be fierce and focused on the task at hand. But like many prima donna athletes today, he’s concerned with things that just don’t seem to matter.
“First of all, I want you to stop calling me ‘Big Brown,’” the powerful colt said at an early Wednesday press conference. “You may call me ‘Seattle Stew’ or ‘Medium Yellow.’ Those are my new names. I’m so good, I need two. I shall refer to myself as Medium Yellow. I’m tired of having a name that sounds like someone just dropped a big deuce. I’m not poop. I’m a warrior.”
“Second, I want to discuss my stud fees. I’m not interested in this ‘money’ concept of yours. For my stud fees, I want apples. Hundreds and thousands of delicious apples. I love apples. And in my dressing room before the race? More apples. Arranged in a big circle, with carrots in the middle so that it looks like a peace sign.”
Asked whether he is even thinking about the race on Saturday, and what he is doing to prepare, the horse formerly known as Big Brown was indignant. “Practice? We talkin’ ’bout practice? Not a race, not a race, not a race, not a race. Practice. We talkin’ ’bout practice.”
“Look, Medium Yellow is gonna do what Medium Yellow needs to do. It’s just a race, it’s not life. Even if I lose, I’m gonna be swimming in beautiful phillies, contractually-obligated to make sweet, minute-long horse love to me.”
At that point, Big Brown/Medium Yellow/Seattle Stew donned a large cape and crown, picked up a midget sidekick, and sauntered off from the press conference.
In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Big Brown is still Big Brown, and is probably not this much of a prima donna. But only because he cannot talk. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.