3-Day Waiting Period Saves Lives as Despondent Cubs Fans Await Word on Carlos Zambrano’s Shoulder Injury

June 19, 2008

sad cubs fan

(Chicago, IL) – Cub fan Tim Smithey is had a crummy day yesterday. The Chicago Cubs lost for the second day in a row, surprisingly-good Jim Edmonds left the game with a foot injury, and ace Carlos Zambrano let the game with as-of-yet undisclosed “shoulder discomfort.”

And then, worst of all, Tim couldn’t even buy a gun to blow his brains out.

“Did you know they have a [freaking] 3-day waiting period to buy a handgun?” Smithey screamed late Wednesday night. “What the heck am I supposed to do? Wait three days to kill myself in the hasty agony that follows a maybe, probably huge Cubs injury?”

Smithey wasn’t alone. Cubs fans from across Chicago – and probably across the country – were lining up at gun shops in reaction to the news that Cubs starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano not only left Wednesday’s game with shoulder discomfort, but was headed back to Chicago for an MRI. All were frustrated to learn that they would have to wait three days before purchasing a gun.

“This is utter crap,” homemaker Susanne Chadwick said. “I want my gun now! What if we get good news about Big Z’s shoulder on Friday? Then my gun will be totally useless on Saturday.”

The city saw the same phenomenon last week when outfield star Alfonso Soriano injured his hand, but in smaller numbers. At that time, the Chicago Cubs administered a public relations campaign instructing fans to just pretend Soriano was going through one of his notoriously long and notoriously God-awful slumps, and had been benched for a while. The messaged seemed to help.

The team is scrambling to put together a similar campaign this time, but it seems less likely to be effective. So this time, it seems that – at least for now – it is the federally-mandated 3-day waiting period that is saving Cubs fans’ lives. Thankfully, Cubs fans are of the type that would seek to buy guns in a store, and not off the back of a truck or off a guy named Gizmo on the El like Chicago White Sox fans. Gizmo’s waiting period is reportedly much shorter.

Some enterprising Cub fans retreated from gun stores in the face of the waiting period to find a store that sold knives, lengths of rope, pills, or even giant safes. Fortunately the walk from store to store provided enough time for most to realize suicide was probably not an appropriate response to the Zambrano news.

“Yeah, so I guess you could say cooler head’s prevailed,” Smithey admited on Thursday. “But if Henry Blanco gets hurt, so help me, I’m finding a tall building.”

In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, intended for humor, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Though this is fake, it is dedicated to my good friend and Brickyard/Bricks and Ivy Radio dude, Geoff. Not because he killed himself. Just because he would. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.


8 Responses to “3-Day Waiting Period Saves Lives as Despondent Cubs Fans Await Word on Carlos Zambrano’s Shoulder Injury”

  1. Jason Whitmen on June 19th, 2008 7:44 am

    You know, I have to tell you, I really enjoy this blog and the insight from everyone who participates. I find it to be refreshing and very informative. I wish there were more blogs like it. Anyway, I felt it was about time I posted, Ive spent most of my time here just lurking and reading, but today for some reason I just felt compelled to say this.

  2. Gregster on June 19th, 2008 6:36 pm

    Obviously if Big Z is hurt and will miss any length of time then it kills many hopes of our great season but unless he’s out for the year my gun is still tucked away!

  3. Ace on June 19th, 2008 8:47 pm

    Wow, Jason! That is some seriously high praise, and we REALLY appreciate it. Hope you keep reading, and we’ll keep writing.

    Though I would caution you to try not to get TOO informed here… we make a lot of this stuff up. :)

  4. Ace on June 19th, 2008 8:47 pm

    I hope you’re wrong, Greg, because I think Z might be out for a little while. Lou has already said that Marshall will be called up to take Z’s spot on Tuesday.

  5. Rihanna on June 20th, 2008 4:54 am

    The Cubs are now 41-24 on the season as they remain 2.5 games in first place in the Central Division. They are my best team in MLB. If you’re one of their fans or you’ve just decided to be and you want to attend their games. There’s an interesting website, which I use all the time to get tickets, and really they have cheap ones. Here’s the link:
    The Cubs tickets
    Just keep on winning guys!!

  6. Clapp on June 21st, 2008 2:55 am

    “Though this is fake, it is dedicated to my good friend and Brickyard/Bricks and Ivy Radio dude, Geoff. Not because he killed himself. Just because he would. ”

  7. The 5-Minute Superfan | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Humor and Sports Parody News on June 22nd, 2008 11:42 am

    [...] gives up five runs early, and then shuts the Rays down. But sadly, he then shuts himself down with some kind of shoulder injury. Cubs Cat sez “Zambra…NO!!!” We also learn that the center field tandem of Reed [...]

  8. SPECIAL REPORT: ZambranoGate - or; How Carlos Zambrano Learned to Stop Fighting the Crazy, and Start Fighting Michael Barrett | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Humor, Sports Parody News, and Cubs Blog on July 15th, 2008 9:13 pm

    [...] weighed in on the now infamous dugout incident. “Did you see how Zambrano swung at him?” hitting coach Gerald Perry said. “Them were p*ssy swings. And Barrett [...]

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