Cubs Sweep Little Brother White Sox, Fart on Their Head
June 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Windy City Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox ended in an easy sweep for the Cubs, with a 7-1 victory at Wrigley Field. It was as if the White Sox were the Cubs’ annoying little brother, whom the Cubs flicked away like a fly.
In fact it was exactly like a big brother beating up on his little brother: after the game, the Cubs unceremoniously, and collectively, farted on the White Sox head.
“I don’t no want to talk about it,” White Sox manager/douchebag Ozzie Guillen said after the game. “They just jerks. I don’t know why we can’t be in same family, and treat each other with love and respect. But no. They beat us silly, and then they fart on our heads.”
It’s true. After the Cubs dispatched of the White Sox, they collectively gathered outside the White Sox clubhouse, and grabbed the team as they emerged – already beaten and downtrodden. And then the Cubs held little brother down, and farted on their head. Starter Ryan Dempster, who dominated the White Sox lineup, even made one unlucky Sox player eat a fart.
“You know how it is with your little brother,” Dempster said. “You’re always around each other, people tell you that you have to love each other. And it’s not that you don’t. It’s just that you always want to kick his little scrawny ass. You know that he’ll never be as good as you are. Even if he wins some little trophy. Then you just take the trophy, and break it.”
To make sure the message was clear, the Cubs also followed the Sox back to their home, and held their hand in warm water while they slept. The prank was successful, with the exception of White Sox catcher AJ Pierzynski, who had already peed himself by the time the Cubs arrived.
In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, intended for humor, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. So the Cubs didn’t literally fart on the White Sox head. But it was a metaphorical dumping. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.