Orioles’ Brian Roberts to Cubs: “Do you still like me? Circle one: yes/no”
June 26, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – As the Chicago Cubs compete with the Baltimore Orioles at Wrigley Field this week, it seems that one of the Orioles is competing for something else: the Cubs’ affection. Second baseman Brian Roberts, reportedly a target of the Cubs’ interest in the offseason this year, is apparently still interested in the Cubs.
And he’s doing his best to catch the Cubs’ eye. On, and off the field.
“Yes, ok, so I’ll admit it. I really like the Cubs, but I just don’t know if they still like me,” Roberts said Wednesday after his Orioles lost to the Cubs. “I’m just kind of over the Orioles, you know? I know the Cubs used to like me. Well, I mean, I heard from someone who heard from someone that they liked me.”
“But I need to find out if they still like me, and I’m too shy to talk to them, myself” Roberts continued, forlorn. “So I’m gonna have my buddy, Jay [Payton], pass them a note during the seventh inning stretch tomorrow. It will put the ball in their court, and just ask if they still like me, and they can circle yes or no.”
Roberts has done his best to show off for the Cubs in their series with the Orioles, going 4-9 with a double and triple so far. Friends say he’s planning to have his shirt pop off on the basepaths Thursday night so the Cubs can see his lean, but muscular body.
Ultimately, Roberts hopes the note will confirm what he already thinks. “I’m pretty sure they are still into me. Last night I was picking up the hitting donut and I saw them checking out my butt. Have you seen [Cubs second baseman] Mark DeRosa from behind? Come on. He looks like two gigantic golf balls stuffed in pants two sizes too small.”
“I’m just hoping that someday, I can get to second base with the Cubs,” Roberts confessed. “Jim Hendry is stacked, if you know what I’m saying.”
In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, intended for humor, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Brian Roberts is totally man enough to ask in person. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.