Brewers Trade for C.C. Sabathia – Cubs Go Out and Sleep with First Pitcher They See

July 7, 2008

Cubs Jim Hendry

(Chicago, IL) – The C.C. Sabathia sweepstakes were settled late last night when word began leaking that the Milwaukee Brewers had acquired the Cleveland Indian ace for AA slugger Matt LaPorta, and two other low-level minor leaguers.

The Chicago Cubs had been interested in Sabathia, but when it became clear that they would not have enough to acquire him, they did their best to convince everyone else that the Cubs weren’t interested in the first place. But now that Sabathia is a Brewer, the Cubs have apparently decided they must go to great lengths to show the baseball world that they doing just fine after the move. When word of the trade broke, the Cubs immediately went out to a local club and slept with the first pitcher they saw.

The “lucky” pitcher, was struggling Cincinnati Red Bronson Arroyo, in town for an upcoming series against the Cubs.

“We saw him across the bar, kind of giving us the eyes,” sexy Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry said as he trotted home Monday morning, wearing the same clothes he’d worn the night before. “We were already three or four pink squirrels deep into the night, so it made the decision to go for it pretty easy.”

It is understandable that the Cubs would want to show everyone that they were going to be ok after a division rival picked up an ace, but is sleeping with a middling back-of-the-rotation starter really the best way to do it?

“I tried to tell Jim that it was probably enough that we go out and trade for the first pitcher we saw, but he was adament that we had to prove just how unaffected we were,” Cubs’ center fielder Reed Johnson said. “He said everyone had to know that we weren’t at all threatened by the Brewers’ new relationship. And the only way to do that was to go all the way.”

“Maybe it was a mistake, but we regret nothing,” Hendry re-affirmed. “Bronson was a stud just a few years ago. And he’s not just a pitcher, anyway. He’s a rock star, too. And look at those flowing locks. Who could resist?”

bronson arroyo sing

When asked if the Cubs plan on actually acquiring Arroyo to play for the team on the field, Hendry would only promise that he would call.

Sleeping with Arroyo wasn’t the only tack the Cubs were taking to diminish the import of the Sabathia trade. The Cubs also issued a press release to fans, announcing the trade: “Brewers Trade Away Three Greatest Prospects in the History of Baseball.”


6 Responses to “Brewers Trade for C.C. Sabathia – Cubs Go Out and Sleep with First Pitcher They See”

  1. Clapp on July 7th, 2008 2:38 pm


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