Every Single Cub Named to All Star Team Except Mark DeRosa
July 13, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Midsummer Classic, the Major League Baseball All Star game, is almost upon us. And it will be a particularly exciting All Star game for Cubs fans this year, because they will get a chance to see their favorite Cubs players representing both the Chicago Cubs and the National League as they take on the stars from the American League.
Many of their favorite Cubs players. As in, almost all of them. Except poor Mark DeRosa.
When the All Star starters – chosen by fan vote – were announced a few weeks ago, Chicago fans were delighted to learn that three Cubs had been selected as starters for the NL: left fielder Alfonso Soriano, right fielder Kosuke Fukudome, and young catcher Geovany Soto.
Shortly thereafter, the pitchers and reserves were selected, adding an additional four Cubs to the team: pitchers Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, and Kerry Wood, and third baseman Aramis Ramirez. Lou Piniella was thereafter asked to participate as a coach on manager Clint Hurdle’s squad.
Soon more Cubs made the roster after a kooky sequence of events straight out of an episode of The Simpsons led to comical, but dehabilitating injuries to many of the other All Stars. Ryan Theriot took Florida Marlin Hanley Ramirez’s spot after Ramirez lost three teeth in a bar fight. Derrek Lee was asked to replace Houston Astro Lance Berkman after a hypnotic therapy session went terribly wrong, leaving Berkman thinking he was a chicken. Brand new Cub Chad Gaudin was forced to join the NL squad when Arizona’s Brandon Webb was picked up in New York, charged with all of the unsolved murders in that city’s history.
Even recently beleaguered reliever Carlos Marmol has found his way onto the team – announced as Kerry Wood’s replacement just one day after he completely imploded against the hapless San Francisco Giants, allowing five runs in the 9th inning on Saturday. Wood has been afflicted with a serious case of gigantism, though he is expected to recover.
One by one, every Chicago Cub was named to the All Star team, except second baseman Mark DeRosa – himself having an All-Star worthy season. The men named to the team ahead of DeRosa – second basemen Chase Utley and Dan Uggla – remain healthy, and untouched by the rash of strange afflictions. Despite the exclusion, DeRosa says he is happy for his teammates.
“Of course I’m disappointed, but these are my guys. And I’m glad to see them get this reward,” DeRosa said. “Sure, it’s a little hard to swallow seeing Mike Fontenot, my backup, on the team, but he’s a great guy, and he’s been on fire lately. And when [50 year-old Cubs bench coach] Lester Strode was somehow asked to replace Jason Giambi on the AL team because Giambi shaved off too much of his mustache and was kicked off the team, yeah, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bug me.”
“But I’ll get by. And hey, if 85 more players go down with 85 more mysterious afflictions, I might just get my shot.”