All Star Game Determines World Series Home-Field Advantage – Board Game Determines ALCS Home-Field
July 17, 2008
(New York, NY) – Just one day after stars from the American League and National League battled for 15 long innings to determine a winner in this year’s All Star Game, and the winner of home-field advantage in the World Series, stars from the American League found themselves battling again. Major League Baseball, seeking to give new meaning and importance to completely meaningless and unimportant exhibition games, determined that home-field advantage in the American League Championship Series would also be determined by the outcome of an exhibition game.
Another baseball game? Another sporting event? No. It would determined by the outcome of a board game.
Shortly after the All Star Game ended, MLB officials rounded up representatives from the three divisions in the American League, and told them they would do glorious battle for home-field advantage in the ALCS by playing long-forgotten board game, ‘Ready! Set! Spaghetti!.’
The game, which involves players furiously twirling fake spaghetti noodles in an attempt to out-twirl your opponent, was not particularly well-received.
“What, we couldn’t play [freaking] Monopoly or Shoots and Ladders?” White Sox manager and AL Central representative Ozzie Guillen said. “I’m pretty sure [MLB Commissioner] Bud Selig just ran out and grabbed the first [darn] thing he found in his car. I mean, really. Who the [heck] has ‘Ready! Set! Spaghetti!’ in their trunk? The only thing I have in my trunk is a dead hooker. At least I think she’s dead.”
And the choice of board game wasn’t the only problem with the exhibition. “Around the ninth turning of spaghetti, we realized that things were still tied, and guys were going to have to play that we hadn’t planned on using” AL West representative and Angels manager Mike Scioscia said. “I hadn’t planned to let [Mariner] Felix Hernandez take a turn, because he had just played a marathon game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos on Sunday. Good thing the Mariners are God-pooping terrible, otherwise they might be upset when he goes down for the rest of the year with spaghetti elbow.”
Despite the complaints, MLB was thrilled with the game. “We think it was an exciting competition, pitting stars from the AL against each other,” Commissioner Selig said. And we haven’t got the ratings numbers back yet, but we can only assume they are through the roof. Sure, it was only broadcast on ESPNBoardGame, but we think people watched.”
MLB is still kicking around how to determine NLCS home-field advantage. “The fans have spoken,” Selig said. “They don’t want to see the best team have home-field advantage in the playoffs. They want to see fake games and competitions determine it. So we’ve got a few ideas for how to determine things in the NL.”
The ideas include a hot dog eating competition, a fire walking challenge, and a battle to see who can take the most kicks to the groin. The latter option is reportedly the most popular, but is being held up by an internal debate as to whether it will be with or without cups.
MLB also announced that the Home Run Derby will now determine who wins in the divisional playoffs, and will also determine who has the largest penis.