Cubs Alfonso Soriano Attributes Recovery from Hand Injury to Rehab Program Consisting Solely of Brushing Giant Teeth

July 23, 2008

Alfonso Soriano Cubs Nationals Smile

(Phoenix, AZ) – As the Cubs struggle through a tough week, they are set to finally get some good news. Barring any setbacks, it looks like star left fielder Alfonso Soriano will be returning to the Cubs in the next couple of days. Soriano has been out since June 11 after an errant pitch broke his hand.

The Cubs expected Soriano to be out for more than six weeks, but it looks like he will return in just a shade under that projection. Manager Lou Piniella called Soriano the fastest healer he’s ever seen. So is it something special about Soriano that has allowed him to come back quickly? Perhaps a Wolverine-esque healing power? Maybe, but that’s not what Soriano says.

He says he owes it all to his rehab program, which consisted primarily of circular motions using his injured hand, at intermittent speeds, 12 times per day, brushing his gigantic teeth.

“It was an incredible program,” Soriano said early Wednesday. “At first, I was skeptical, because it’s just a tooth brush, you know? But it totally worked. It helps that my mouth is full of elephant tusks masquerading as human teeth, of course, but my hand feels great.”

Soriano said the program called for him to increase his usual tooth brushing regimine from 4 times per day to 12.

Cubs Lou Piniella and Alfonso Soriano

“I’ve always been big on dental care, but this took it to a whole new level. The weird thing was, for the first two weeks, I was forbidden from brushing my teeth at all. They said it would be too much strain too fast. But then, it rapidly accelerrated to lots of tooth brushing. It’s great, though. Hand is healed, and I have beautiful teeth. Win, win.”

Soriano says from now on, no matter what the injury, he will rehab by brushing his teeth. “When I went down with the calf injury earlier this year, if I had just known about the brushing program, I probably could have been back the next night. You better believe if I injure a leg again, I’m rehabbing by brushing my teeth with my feet.”

“Heck, I scratched my cornea two weeks ago, but you’d never know. That’s because I immediately started brushing my teeth with my eyeball.”


6 Responses to “Cubs Alfonso Soriano Attributes Recovery from Hand Injury to Rehab Program Consisting Solely of Brushing Giant Teeth”

  1. Alf on July 23rd, 2008 11:08 am

    Don’t make fun of my beautiful smile!

  2. mad-a-gas-car on July 23rd, 2008 11:09 am


  3. Gunner Sykes on July 23rd, 2008 2:47 pm

    Good stuff. I hope Soriano doesn’t read it and kick your ass.

  4. Ace on July 23rd, 2008 6:49 pm

    Hey, I could totally take Soriano.

    To the movies.

    To apologize.

    I love you, Alf.

  5. Alfonso Soriano Absolutely on Fire This Week - Still Very, Very Ugly Sources Say | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Humor, Jokes, Sports Parody News, and Blog on July 23rd, 2008 9:36 pm

    [...] been suspected of Soriano from afar: he is ugly. Very ugly. Great baseball player, hideous man. His face – one that only a mother could love, and barely – has been described by some as [...]

  6. Butcher on July 24th, 2008 9:21 am

    His gums are nearly as impressive.

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