Cubs Beat on Brewers Like So Many Big, Fat Pinatas

July 30, 2008

Funny Big Pinata

(Milwaukee, WI) – The Chicago Cubs have been terrible on the road. As in, Washinton Nationals on the road – heck, or at home – terrible. So entering this week’s critical series in Milwaukee against the Brewers, the Cubs had good reason to be nervous. But after two games, the nerves have subsided.

That may be because the atmosphere hasn’t felt like the road. With thousands of fans making the treck up from Chicago to support the Cubs, it has actually felt more like a party in the back yard. And the Cubs have treated it like a party, smacking around the Brewers like they were just a bunch of pinatas.

Very big, fat pinatas.

Last night, the Cubs smacked around the Brewers to the tune of seven runs and a whopping 15 hits. Included in the beatdown was a silencing of corpulent Brewer first baseman, Prince Fielder. Fielder was generally ineffective at the plate, and when crazy, but crazy-good Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano and rookie reliever Jeff Samardzija took their beating sticks to him, Fielder spewed forth the secrets he hid within.

“I gotta be honest, with someone that big, I was expecting full-sized candy bars in there,” Samardzija said. “So it was a little disappointing to find it was only Hershey kisses, broccoflower, and entrails.”

On Monday, newest Brewer starter CC Sabathia played the part of the rotund, hanging Mexican party package. Sabathia, who had been dominant in his first three starts with the Brewers, yielded four runs to the Cubs before yielding his belly-protected prizes.

“When you go out there to pitch to a great lineup like the Cubs have, you realize it’s possible they might beat you around,” Sabathia admitted. “But what you don’t expect is to get hung upside down, covered in paper mache, and beat mercilessly with plastic sticks by blindfolded middle-aged men until you shoot out what you’ve got in you. Well, I mean, at least not on a weekday, and not without a safety word.”


7 Responses to “Cubs Beat on Brewers Like So Many Big, Fat Pinatas”

  1. Butcher on July 30th, 2008 9:19 am

    I’m freaking crying.

  2. Shoeless on July 30th, 2008 1:27 pm


  3. Ace on July 30th, 2008 3:01 pm

    Thanks guys. I know the Fielder fat thing will probably get old at some point… But not yet.

  4. CrewMan00 on July 30th, 2008 3:32 pm

    You’re right it does get old. And not funny the first million times I heard it.

  5. Butcher on July 31st, 2008 8:13 pm

    Hmmm. Let me think about it, CrewMan. Maybe you’re on to something…

    Nope. Still funny.

    In fact, all it takes is for me to see Fielder hustling around the bases, his moobs pummeling his chin, and I’m dying laughing.

  6. Ace on July 31st, 2008 8:34 pm

    Haha, Butch!

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