Cubs Stage Unbelievable Comeback, Unwatchable Show

August 29, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – The Cubs entered the 8th inning last night trailing the Philadelphia Phillies 4-1, and it looked as though their winning ways would have to take a night off. But the Cubs banded together to stage an unbelievable comeback in that inning, and pulled out the victory 6-4 – complete with a dramatic pinch hit home run from Mike Fontenot and a grand slam from Aramis Ramirez.

If the Cubs had left that as their only performance of the day, things would have been all right. Read more

In Shocking Sportscenter Interview, Barack Obama Reveals that He’s Retarded

August 26, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – The already tumultuous 2008 Presidential election took a wild turn early Tuesday morning following an ESPN Sportscenter interview of presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama. The interview, which ranged into a broad array of topics facing the American public, necessarily turned to sports. More specifically, Chicago baseball. Read more

Is Bobby Howry Actually the Best Pitcher on the Cubs? New Statistical Analysis Confirms that No He is Not

August 22, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – These days it seems Chicago Cubs reliever Bobby Howry can’t walk down the streets of Chicago without being booed or openly told that he sucks. And it’s not surprising given his 6.75 ERA in July, and even more eye-popping 7.50 ERA in August.

But is it possible that Bobby Howry is actually the best pitcher on the Cubs this year? Read more

Dusty Baker to Keep Starters on Strict 180 Pitch Counts in Cubs Series

August 20, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – Former Cubs manager/dumb guy Dusty Baker is bringing his new team, the Cincinnati Reds to town this week, and he wants the Cubs to know that a thing or two has changed since he left. For one, he’s not “as into” Rainbow Brite as he once was. But more importantly, he’s started looking out for his starting pitchers.

Well, sort of. Read more

Michael Phelps Wins Record-Breaking Eight Gold Medals, but Has to Shave Arms to Do It

August 18, 2008

Michael Phelps shows off hot swimmer body

(Beijing, China) – It was a record-smashing week in Beijing for U.S. Men’s Swimming superstar Michael Phelps. When he secured his eighth gold medal on Sunday, he broke Mark Spitz’s 36-year-old record for gold medals in a single Olympics. The nation – perhaps the world – cheered Phelps on, and watched in a amazement at his historic accomplishment.

But this story has an ugly side that the mainstream media refuses to report. Read more

Reports Surfacing that Chicago Cubs are Using Underage Players

August 15, 2008

(Atlanta, GA) – The Chicago Cubs have been popping up in the news this week almost hourly, but not for the beat-down they are currently laying on the Atlanta Braves. Instead, reports are flying off the presses that the Chicago Cubs have been skirting Major League Baseball’s age restriction rules by using several players who are not yet 16 years old.

The timing is both unfortunate and uncanny, as similar stories are coming out of Beijing surrounding the Chinese women’s gymnastic team at the Olympics. Read more

Rain the Only Thing that Could Keep Cubs from Winning Yesterday, Except All Those Other Things

August 13, 2008

Chicago Cubs Rainout at Wrigley Field

(Atlanta, GA) – The Chicago Cubs rolled into Atlanta yesterday, winners of 14 of their last 21 games. They were ready to lay a drubbing to the hapless Braves, but severe storms in the Atlanta area postponed the game.

And it’s a good thing for the Braves that the rains came, because it seems like lately, that’s the only thing that could keep the Cubs from winning the game.

Well, that, and a few other things. Read more

Tony LaRussa Skips the Step Where You Stop Being an Asshole

August 11, 2008

St. Louis Cardinals Manager Tony LaRussa in the dugout

(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs just completed an incredibly important series victory over the rival St. Louis Cardinals. The 2-1 series win puts the Cubs seven games ahead of the Cardinals in the National League Central, further dimming the Cardinals’ hopes of winning the division.

And as the Cubs were completing the important series, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was completing something imporant of his own: his 12th step in a recovery program, stemming from his March 2007 DUI arrest. But some of the Cubs and even some of the Cardinals are wondering just how thoroughly LaRussa completed each of the steps. Read more

Chicago White Sox Distribute Etiquette Books to Fans

August 9, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – If you feel wind coming your way in the Windy City, you no longer have to worry that it is coming from a disgusting, mouth-breathing White Sox fan. Taking a cue from China, who is distributing etiquette booklets to its citizens teaching manners to be observed during the Olympics, the Chicago White Sox have begun distributing etiquette materials to their fans. Read more

New York to Deal with Unwanted Media Attention as Brett Favre Arrives

August 7, 2008

Brett Favre at news conference with Jets

(New York, NY) – With a trade to the New York Jets, the Brett Favre saga is finally at a close.

Or is it?

Sure, we now know what will happen with Favre vis a vis the Packers – they dumped him as unceremoniously as a middle school girlfriend – but how what happens in his new home, New York? Read more

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