Reed Johnson Helps Power Cubs Past Pirates Despite Mysterious Appearance of Balls on Chin

August 4, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs managed to out-do the Pittsburgh Pirates on Sunday thanks in no small part to Cubs outfielder Reed Johnson. Johnson blasted an 0-2 pitch deep and out of the park in the bottom of the 8th inning to give the Cubs the win. He even made his first curtain call appearance after the shot.

But it was the appearance of something else – something on Johnson’s chin – that had everyone talking.

Emerging behind Johnson’s signature chin fuzz was the distinct spectre of an affliction that Johnson thought was long behind him: chinballalits. The illness, as lampooned in an episode of South Park, is marked by an uncomfortable and unsightly shifting of the testicles into the chin area.

Johnson was surprised and dismayed at the return of his chinballalitis. “They kind of, you know, receded in college, and although they would occassionally drop again, I was able to treat that by staring at pictures of Renee Zellweger for hours on end. They would run back up inside my chin like terrified chihuahua puppies. But this time, it just didn’t work.”

Johnson, hoping to demystify the disorder, shared the difficulties he’s faced in a life with testicles on his face.

“Well, with my two names – Reed and Johnson – I’m guessing you can imagine how particularly difficult it was for me growing up with chinballalitis. I had to become a successful baseball player just to shut all the other kids up.”

Johnson discussed more of his heartache growing up, including a particularly uncomfortable shopping experience with his mother to purchase his first athletic supporter. “It was bad enough that mom was there, but to make it worse, she kept loudly telling the clerk that I needed a special cup to cover my face.”

The scrappy outfielder just hopes that fans will understand, and will continue to love him despite his differences. And he hopes he can keep his platoon-mate, Jim Edmonds, away from his chin.

“I am so happy here in Chicago, to be a part of this team, and a part of this fan-base,” Johnson implored. “So I just hope the fans can accept me for who I am, and accept my chinballalitis. I’m just like them, except a little upside down.”

“And once they accept this, I can finally tell them about my butt-chest.”


One Response to “Reed Johnson Helps Power Cubs Past Pirates Despite Mysterious Appearance of Balls on Chin”

  1. Butters on August 4th, 2008 9:45 am

    His chin balls are much hairier than mine.

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