Chicago White Sox Distribute Etiquette Books to Fans
August 9, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – If you feel wind coming your way in the Windy City, you no longer have to worry that it is coming from a disgusting, mouth-breathing White Sox fan. Taking a cue from China, who is distributing etiquette booklets to its citizens teaching manners to be observed during the Olympics, the Chicago White Sox have begun distributing etiquette materials to their fans.
“We know that our fans don’t exactly have the best reputation,” White Sox General Manager Kenny Williams explained. “So when I saw what they were doing in Beijing for the Olympics, it gave me an idea. I can’t come up with my own ideas, but dang if I can’t steal ideas with the best of ‘em.”
The idea was to provide free etiquette materials to fans at U.S. Cellular Field, prepared by manners experts from across the country. “I’ve read them, myself, and I’ve already learned a ton,” Williams said. “Did you know that not everyone wants to play swords at the urinal?”
The team says it’s already seeing success from the etiquette books. Fights are down 13%, and public defecation is down 19%.
Among the suggestions in the book:
- Do not remove your shirt, run on the field, and attack the opposing teams coaches. If you must do so, please leave your shirt on, because you are unattractive.
- Please do not ceaselessly shout racial and sexual epithets that mask your own insecurities about gender identity and sexuality. Note that this instruction is mostly for manager Ozzie Guillen.
- When passing a beer down the row to another whom has ordered it, please ignore the temptation to lick the frosty exterior. Similarly ignore the temptation to lick your neighbor.
- Pants are your friend. Wear them at all times.
- Please remember that although your team has actually won a championship in the last 100 years, most people in Chicago do not give a shit. They still prefer the Cubs.
- Make sure that all sentences are well thought out and coherent, or at a minimum, in English.
- Please do not smoke crack or meth at the game. If you absolutely must, please do not blow crack or meth smoke in your neighbors face, unless of course your neighbor is your girlfriend, in which case, we understand.