Tony LaRussa Skips the Step Where You Stop Being an Asshole
August 11, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs just completed an incredibly important series victory over the rival St. Louis Cardinals. The 2-1 series win puts the Cubs seven games ahead of the Cardinals in the National League Central, further dimming the Cardinals’ hopes of winning the division.
And as the Cubs were completing the important series, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was completing something imporant of his own: his 12th step in a recovery program, stemming from his March 2007 DUI arrest. But some of the Cubs and even some of the Cardinals are wondering just how thoroughly LaRussa completed each of the steps.
“I think it’s great that he’s doing this program, and working on his life,” Cubs center fielder and former Cardinal Jim Edmonds said Sunday night. “But I don’t think he’s really completed the program. I don’t know the steps perfectly, I mean I know there’s that make amends thing, admit that you’re powerless thing. But I’m pretty sure in there somewhere is a step where you stop being an asshole. And Tony totally has not done that.”
Edmonds was probably speaking from personal experience. Over the weekend, a mini-war of words erupted between LaRussa and his former center fielder, culminating in LaRussa saying that he wants to treat Edmonds like he never played in St. Louis.
LaRussa has always been thought of as a bit of a curmugeon. But it is only recently that he became an all out butthole. Even his own players have to agree.
“Well, I know Tony is totally clean and sober now,” Cardinal Ryan Ludwick said after hearing Edmonds’ comments. “I guess he’s still kind of a dick from time to time, though. Like, on Friday, I got a little frustrated after a bad at bat, and I spit my gum out in the dugout, but I missed the trash can. Tony came over and put the gum down his jock, and then pulled it out and made me chew it. But that’s just normal managerial inspiration, right?”
“Tony did not do all of the 12 steps. I know it,” Cubs bench player Daryl Ward said. “And believe me, I know something about addictions. I’ve been addicted to like, 50 things. Crystal meth, coke, picnic baskets, alcohol, elephant hair, the color orange, celebrity fingernail clippings. You name it, I’ve been there. And you better believe I did all the steps to kick each thing.”
In related news, the Cincinnati Reds’ performance this year is being cited as evidence that Dusty Baker is also skipping steps.
(Editor’s note: remember, this is PARODY. It is NOT TRUE.)