Reports Surfacing that Chicago Cubs are Using Underage Players

August 15, 2008

(Atlanta, GA) – The Chicago Cubs have been popping up in the news this week almost hourly, but not for the beat-down they are currently laying on the Atlanta Braves. Instead, reports are flying off the presses that the Chicago Cubs have been skirting Major League Baseball’s age restriction rules by using several players who are not yet 16 years old.

The timing is both unfortunate and uncanny, as similar stories are coming out of Beijing surrounding the Chinese women’s gymnastic team at the Olympics.

The allegations center on three Chicago Cubs players – Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot, and Ronny Cedeno. All three are middle infielders, all three look young, and all three have names that end in an “o” sound. That part is completely irrelevant, but true.

Opposing teams began to grumble about the youthful appearance of the three Cubs once the team started dominating earlier this year.

“You cannot sit there with a straight face and tell me that Ryan Theriot is 16,” an opposing National Central manager said earlier this week. “He looks 13, maybe 14. And he keeps asking me to buy him beer. And Cedeno. They say he can’t grow facial hair because of a skin condition. Yeah right. More like a lack of puberty condition.”

According to the team, all three players are much older than the 16 year old minimum. Theriot and Fontenot, they say, are 28. Cedeno is purportedly 25.

“We have all the necessary documentation to prove that our players are at least 16 years old,” Cubs Chairman Crane Kenney said Thursday. “Sure, the documents were issued by us, and are printed with crayon on the inside of a Pop Tarts wrapper, but they’re totally legit.”

But even if opponents are right, and the threesome are much younger than the Cubs claim, would that really be such an advantage? Afterall, most baseball players aren’t remotely successful on the Major League level until their mid-20s. Opponents say that it is definitely an advantage.

“They bring a youthful exhuberance to the team that a 20-something just couldn’t,” our league source said. “That, and the fact that pitching to their petite frames is nearly impossible. And their little bodies recover from injury much more quickly. Oh, and they are much more flexible. Yes, supple, flexible little bodies. Um. This just got weird.”


4 Responses to “Reports Surfacing that Chicago Cubs are Using Underage Players”

  1. Mikey Fontenot on August 15th, 2008 12:08 pm

    At least I can grow facial hair.

  2. Padres Fan on August 15th, 2008 1:09 pm

    Fun story. Would be even better without the sentence blatantly referring to the Chinese gymnasts.

  3. Ace on August 15th, 2008 2:59 pm

    You’re right. I feared that in posterity, people would have no idea what the article was joking about without the reference.

    That, and a lot of our readers are incredibly stupid.

    Just kidding, friends.

  4. Cubbie White on August 20th, 2008 1:17 pm

    Hilarious..I guess checking the passports won’t matter either.

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