In Shocking Sportscenter Interview, Barack Obama Reveals that He’s Retarded

August 26, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – The already tumultuous 2008 Presidential election took a wild turn early Tuesday morning following an ESPN Sportscenter interview of presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama. The interview, which ranged into a broad array of topics facing the American public, necessarily turned to sports. More specifically, Chicago baseball.

The precise exchange that is dominating the wire services this morning went as follows:

Scott: If the Cubs and the White Sox both make it to the World Series?

Obama: I would be going.

Scott: Who would you root for?

Obama: Oh, that’s easy. White Sox. I’m not one of these fair weather fans. You go to Wrigley Field, you have a beer, beautiful people up there. People aren’t watching the game. It’s not serious. White Sox, that’s baseball. Southside.

It was at that moment that everyone knew. Barack Obama is retarded.

Though reactions across the country were universally negative, in Chicago, the reactions were mixed. As one may expect, the Cubs and their fans didn’t take too well to the revelation. White Sox fans, at least those able to read, found Obama’s comments heartening – because now, they see Obama as one of them.

Not because he’s a White Sox fan, of course. But because he likely wears a special helmet and a drool cup.

“I think it’s [freaking] great,” White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said. “I kind of wish he wasn’t a minority, but it’s good enough.”

So now, the natural question becomes: is American ready for a retarded President? We thought all along that the question would be whether America was ready for a black President – or whether America was ready for an old as shit President – but those questions seem to have taken a back seat.

Many Cubs, though most try to stay out of politics, offered their reaction.

“Yeah, I think it’s too bad. But people worry after this interview that we might end up with a mentally handicapped President this year,” Cubs pitcher Ted Lilly said. “But I think people forget that we’ve had a retarded President since 2001. Oh wait. I guess they’re right to worry.”

“I always kind of wondered,” center fielder Jim Edmonds said, “how he could have married Michelle Obama.”

Comments

7 Responses to “In Shocking Sportscenter Interview, Barack Obama Reveals that He’s Retarded”

  1. Jake on August 26th, 2008 12:30 pm

    I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. John Kerry would’ve said he would root for both and then proceed to claim that Alramis Soridome is his favorite player.

    Meanwhile John McCain wonders if the Chicago Orphans have a chance this season….

  2. Chris on August 26th, 2008 1:16 pm

    Great article! Just an FYI: I found your blog on Sportsblog.org….it was being featured at the top of the site.

  3. Ace on August 26th, 2008 7:37 pm

    First to Jake: Haha. I agree to a certain extent – my main quarrel was with HOW he chose to say it. He basically called all Cub fans fairweather douchebags who don’t know baseball and don’t care to. He could have just said he was a Sox fan, and left it at that. At least then I would have just thought he was toothless and violent.

    To Chris: Seriously? That’s awesome. Thanks for letting us know, and glad you liked the article. I’ll have to start checking out your site, as well.

  4. Rudy 9iu11ani on August 26th, 2008 7:42 pm

    I think the Cubs would lose to the Yankees 9-11.

  5. Doug Hartman on August 27th, 2008 9:06 am

    I guess that settle’s the Chicago Sun Times question of who has the hotter looking fans!

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