Cubs Stage Unbelievable Comeback, Unwatchable Show

August 29, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – The Cubs entered the 8th inning last night trailing the Philadelphia Phillies 4-1, and it looked as though their winning ways would have to take a night off. But the Cubs banded together to stage an unbelievable comeback in that inning, and pulled out the victory 6-4 – complete with a dramatic pinch hit home run from Mike Fontenot and a grand slam from Aramis Ramirez.

If the Cubs had left that as their only performance of the day, things would have been all right.

For weeks, rumors have been circulating that Cubs starter Ryan Dempster – who pitched well enough on Thursday to keep the Cubs close enough to pull out the win late – wanted to perform on stage at the Second City, an improv comedy venue in Chicago.  It was recently confirmed that Dempster will perform on September 15th, 2008 in a benefit for cancer research.

But apparently in advance of his comedy appearance, Dempster was eager to try his hand at something a little more dramatic. The results of the performance were decidedly worse than the performance the Cubs had staged just hours before in their victory over the Phillies.

Dempster gathered the performance-minded Cubs, and staged an interpretive performance of the Brothers Grimm classic, “Rumpelstiltskin” in Millenium Park. The Cubs’ version was dubbed “Fontelstilskin,” with the diminutive title role played by no other than Mike Fontenot. The performance was not well-received by the four tourists and six homeless persons that stayed to watch.

“It was just bad,” Suzanne Wisler said of the show. “The part where the big guy (Carlos Zambrano) pretended to hammer the little guy (Fontenot) into the ground was funny, but otherwise the show was a mess. The acting was terrible, the story was hard to follow, and the production values were low. They used a discarded hooker wig for the strands of gold, for crying out loud.”

Other street performers were nonplussed.

“Pure garbage,” the Great Roushi, a local favorite, said. “I wouldn’t dream of walking into Wrigley Stadium to try and beat a baseball with a ball bat or catch it in my webbed hand. And if I did, I would probably look like those guys did trying to perform down here.”

“All I’m saying is that the Cubs should stick to staging exciting rallies and heroic comebacks,” Roushi said. “And leave the street performing to the real street performers like me. We are the true artists.”

With that, Roushi strolled away to resume his performance of eating used napkins for quarters.


2 Responses to “Cubs Stage Unbelievable Comeback, Unwatchable Show”

  1. Haden on August 30th, 2008 1:21 pm

    I’d watch them do Romeo and Juliet.

  2. Uniforms | The Chicago Cubs on April 25th, 2013 10:01 pm

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